I think one hardest parts about raising my first born is that she and I are SO similar. Inside and out. No, we are not the same. The Lord gave us our own uniqueness, and our own souls, but sometimes the similarities between us outweigh the difference by far. Some of them I love seeing in her, but some of them I hate.
Today I'm processing through the one I hate the MOST.
My sweet little girl, on the outside from the neck up, looks like my twin. Although I know I'm flawed for sure, her and I get a ton of joy in looking in the mirror together at our faces that 'match'.
Unfortunately: my sweet little girl, on the inside from the neck up, is built like me too. I can't be for sure, because she is only 3 (4 in only two weeks though!!!!), but I think her brain is broken like mine. My burden has become her burden, and it devastates me to my core.
ANXIETY.
Ugh.
As she has grown older, I have been able to recall alot more memories from my childhood as she is experiencing things for the first time, and I am recalling what some of those times were like for me. Alot more lately, those memories have made me just plain miserable.
Although I do have fun memories with friends during my youth, honestly: most of them are plagued with memories of severe anxiety. I hated organized sports, I hated organized games (like duck duck goose), I hated having happy birthday sung to me, I hated playing in groups, I hated being in a group where I didn't have at least 1 very close friend giving me undivided attention, I hated breaking into groups....on and on. My mom always tells me that I was so shy in preschool that I would not talk to anyone, and on the playground I would stand on the edge by myself. Although I don't remember many of these early times, when I think back to them I feel anxious all over again. Social anxiety, my nemesis.
I unfortunately have had a lifelong struggle with performance anxiety too. Double trouble. I have an overwhelming amount of memories of gagging. Yep, you read that right, gagging. For some reason my bodies response to anxiety has been nauseousness, which results in me gagging. Weird I know. I have so many memories of gagging before swim meets, dance recitals, piano recitals, math contests....on and on. My middle school memories are filled with instances of having the lunch bell ring and gagging my way to my locker to get my lunch, and gagging my way to the lunch room, just so stressed over where I was going to sit, who would be my friend. And I tell you this next part, not to brag, but to only illustrate my point further, but: I was extremely popular from 5th grade to 11th grade, so I should not have been experiencing anxiety like this. I was plugged in with the popular crowd since 2nd grade, I was never an outsider during those years. I should have been confident. But I was terrified. I loved having friends, I loved having fun, I loved being a part of things, I just also had a fear too. A fear of rejection.
Isn't that really what social and performance anxiety are based around. A fear of rejection, a fear of failure.
Now, at the ripe old age of 29, when I am at birthday parties with my 3 year old and they start playing party games, I get anxious, I get nauseous, all over again. When we arrive to a party late, or the playground or the pool where a crowd has formed, my anxiety level spikes. Some of these, most of these, are STILL situations I myself find hard to maneuver, but I think the real cause is fear of rejection for my precious daughter. I could care less for me if people like her, but I see in her a high need for friendships, and it crushes me SO MUCH to know that she herself will be rejected at times. I want to protect her, I want to set up every situation to insure that she succeeds, but I cannot. But it is so so painful for me to watch.
Just the other day we got invited to a birthday party. For about a week ahead of time she would look at the invitation hanging on our fridge and talk to us excitedly about going to her friends party. She was so excited for him that it was his birthday, so excited that she was invited, so excited to go to a party. We were at the store a few days before the party and all on her own she asked if we could get this little buddy of hers a card and a present. She loved browsing the aisles and picking out what she deemed a worthy card and present, all the while talking about how fun it would be to go to this party. The morning of she woke up so giddy that it was finally the day she could go celebrate with her friends. She helped me wrap the gift, she told me what to write on the card, she was beaming. Then it was time to leave. Her daddy was off that morning, so we all got to go as a family. The party was being held at the condo just two up from ours, literally a 1 minute walk. She rushed to get her shoes on, grabbed the present, and headed towards the door. But as she exited the door I saw her entire demeanor change. I could tell it had finally hit her, what she was about to do. Her face got serious, her smile disappeared, she started slumping her shoulders, and walking really slowly. When we arrived and opened the door she stood hesitantly outside for a moment as she peered in to her friends playing with balloons. I could tell she was getting sad. She was nervous to go in, nervous she wouldn't know anyone, scared no one would talk to her, scared she wouldn't fit it. The whole party she stuck close to daddy and I. She refused to play the games, had a really hard time getting in line for the birthday treat, and didn't like the birthday song as usual (ok, is this genetic? both my sister and I HATED it as kids, and now both of my kids do too....). She was SO excited to see this little boy open the present she gave to him, but nervous that he wouldn't like it. She had a hard time telling him 'your welcome' when he so politely thanked her. When she had all she could take, she started wandering home. My heart sank. I had SO wanted her to feel successful, and I could tell she had not. I praised her for going, and being a good friend, and encouraged her that her buddy was glad she had come. It wasn't until hours later she looked at me and said "Mommy, I had alot of fun at _______'s birthday party! My favorite part was the balloons!". I was shocked once again. She had enjoyed herself. It had not gone as she hoped, but she had found fun in the midst of it.
Today it happened again. She heard kids playing outside, ran up to me, and said "I hear friends outside, can I please go play with them?!?!?". I told her yes, but then as soon as the older neighborhood girl sweetly came to play with her, she froze. She looks up to her so much, and doesn't want to do something wrong, doesn't want to be rejected, so she freezes.
I think the tricky part with social anxiety too, is the fear of doing something wrong. You feel like the entire world understands how to socialize, and you have missed that part of the lesson. Like me, I still suck at group conversations and am constantly interrupting people. I seriously don't understand how they work. Weird I know, I'm 29. You fear doing something wrong, it makes you feel really anxious, and really stressed, and then you do something awkward, and your fears come true.
She does this too. She SO badly wants to fit in, and SO badly wants to be like, and is SO scared that she won't fit in and won't be like that she freezes, the anxiety builds, and she acts awkward.
I am scared. I know we are just around the corner from one of her buddies calling her weird. I am SO dreading that day. She is a first born, being raised by a mother who struggles with social anxiety, and a father who finds humor in pretending to be socially awkward. She is weird too. Poor girl.
Social anxiety. There was once song played by this A-mazing band, and the line to it said: What you fear the most, will surely be the death of you. That's social anxiety in a nutshell. You fear failure and rejection the most, it paralyzes you, the stress builds, you do something awkward, you are rejected.
Kids are noticing that my princess is not exactly like them. Who wants to play with a kid who stands on the sidelines, won't participate in group stuff, and won't always join in conversation? I just pray someone does, she needs a buddy. I had one buddy. That changed everything. Someone to make you feel normal, make you feel like you belong, someone to be the bridge that connects you to the group as a whole.
Why is she this way? Well, I think alot is genetic. My side of the family has a long line of mental illness. Some mutant gene somewhere got mixed in. I also think its because she is a firstborn and has a need to do things right, and doesn't have an older sibling to look up to as a social example.
And also, its my fault. I was so controlling in her younger years, and even sometimes now, that I was always correcting her, always feeding her lines, basically teaching her there was a right way and a wrong way to socialize. Although, to my knowledge, I've never punished her for this, the tape I've set up to play in her head isn't a great one. Its full of correction, full of direction, and lacking in encouragement.
I'm trying with all my might to learn how to parent a child who deals with this beast, but its pretty hard when the same beast has lived in your head for as long as you can remember.
I'm just praying the Lord does a miracle. I'm praying he gives her buddies that truly love her. I'm praying he gives her confidence in the creation he made her to be. I'm praying he gives me tools and skills to help her on this journey.
Social health, relationships, is really the food our souls survive on. When you struggle in this area, life can feel lonely, confusing, and depressing.
Lord, please save my angel from this. I will gladly take it all if she can somehow be spared. Please Lord, give me direction. Please correct the tape that plays in her head. Please Lord, you are all powerful, fix her brain, break mine more if you need to, but please fix hers. I can't bear the thought of her living like I have.
And even more Lord, please give her companionship in you. Please steal her heart and make it yours. Please help her to hear these words and practice them:
"You are never really by yourself. God is always there. If you feel alone, just talk to him. It would make him so happy. And it would make your heart happy too.'
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