Mourning The Miracle. Losing Hope.

Woke up feeling just so sad and defeated this morning.  Had another intense night of false labor last night, that left me both physically and emotionally exhausted this morning.

I've tried everything, and what they say is true: if your body is not ready, it's not gonna happen.  Problem is, will my body ever be ready?

I've tried:

red raspberry leaf tea, since 36 weeks

evening primrose oil, since 36 weeks

long long walks

acupuncture

spicy food

exercise ball

'time' with the man

chiropractor

pineapple

breast pump

deep breathing

the elyptical

visualization

TONS OF PRAYER

stretches and exercises of all sorts
membrane stripping THREE TIMES

on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on..........................

Nothing.  Just hours, days, and now weeks of false labor.  I've gotten myself 50% effaced, and 2 cm dilated.  I am grateful for this progress, FOR SURE.  But I just want more.

Today I am processing seriously through the fact that the chances of me ever knowing what it is like to go into labor on my own, are getting smaller and smaller, and less realistic.

I just don't understand.  I don't understand why my body is built the way it is.  But it makes me very very sad.

God I know you don't have to give me everything I ask for, and that most times you answer my prayers different than I would expect.  I'm trying to trust that your plan is the best, and you have my best in mind.  I just don't understand why asking for something so natural as this is a prayer of mine that every time gets rejected.  This is my last chance Lord, and still the answer seems to be no.  I know there is still time for a miracle, but through these tears I can see that once again you will most likely ask me to accept and trust your answer of 'no'.

Ugh.  If nothing else, I guess today I can be thankful for the cleansing effect tears have on my soul, and the fact that within 4 days, I will meet my son.  Even if it doesn't happen the way it was supposed to.

My TOP 7 Of The Day.

1.  Ranch kids were wearing shorts just two days ago, and tonight we had to brave a blizzard to get home.  Where am I?

2.  Felt a little weird driving through a snow storm tonight with our new snow tires INSIDE the van, instead of on it.  Auryn kept telling us the tires wanted to be out in the snow.  I agreed.

3.  Why on the snowiest day of the season are my contractions the strongest?

4.  Being 9 months pregnant, with a full bladder, driving on a bumpy road, having strong contractions, listening to a over tired screaming two year old, while having that over tired two year old kicking me in the back of my seat, during those strong contractions, while on the bumpy road, with a full bladder, while 9 months pregnant, is NOT my idea of a good time.  Glad to be in bed.

5.  My suspicions were correct.  My pelvis is in fact NOT aligned.  Makes more sense as to why labor really has been starting and stopping for me this last week.  He can't get where he needs to get, and make happen what needs to happen.  Hoping the alignment stays in place and helps things get MOVING.

6.  Wait.  I am 9 months pregnant, an hour from my hospital, in a snow storm, with no snow tires on my van.  This feels like a bad idea.

7.  Four year olds are SO much more rational than I was expecting.  At dinner tonight Auryn ordered mac n cheese, and Kadence ordered a grilled cheese sandwich.  We let them choose their own meals.  When Auryn's meal arrived she was obviously dissapointed, and I braced myself for the whining and complaining.  Instead, she just sat there a moment, looking at Kadence's plate and said "Next time I think I'll order the grilled cheese sandwich", picked up her spoon, and dug into her mac n cheese.  THAT WAS IT!!!!!!!!!  3 months ago I would have had to hear about it for hours!!!!!  I couldn't believe it.  I'd LOVE to say we are starting to see some of the fruit of alot of 'good' teaching and discipline, but I am more inclined to believe it's a maturity thing.  She is old enough to feel the weight of a 'bad' choice, own it, and wear it, and leave it behind.  She is old enough to know there will be a 'next time' to make a different choice.  She is old enough to know that loosing self control will get her no where.  She is becoming so grown up.  I just love that little girl.  She truly is one of my very best friends.

Ten Days And Counting.

So after a totally uneventful appointment today, the waiting game resumes.  After some long hours and days of contractions, and other unspeakable bodily changes, my body is still doing NOTHING.  Sitting at 0%, and a 1.  Yep.  I'm that awesome.

I hadn't realized this, don't know that they ever actually told me, but I sat at 50%, and a 2, for 3 WEEKS!!!!!!! with the last kiddo, AND still ended up with the induction at 42 weeks.  AWE-SOME.

Today she made it sound POSITIVE that she won't make me go past 41 weeks, so although I am sceptical, I am planning on that for now.  Keep in mind that will be a full 2 WEEKS after my original induction date.  14 days feels like a REALLY LONG TIME when you are this fat and uncomfortable.  A really long time.  But, out of that 14, I apparently only have 10 more to go.

The blood pressure was a little high today, so they are having me come back on Wednesday for a blood pressure check, and a non-stress test, and possibly another 'sweeping' of the membranes.  TMI, I know.

Feeling fine about it.  Just SO confused by my body.  I really don't understand why it is SO easy for some people to go into labor, and why alot of people I know seem to have their babies before or 'on' their due dates.  I CANNOT FATHOM WHAT THAT WOULD BE LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!  Really, that's like an alternate reality to me.

So tonight I begin the 10 day countdown.  Cause that's all I have.  Hoping still the little man will make his appearance before then, but realizing from my lovely history, we'll be seeing this little guy in 10 days.

Drowning In Self Pity.

Today started out with a 'bang', of horribleness.

The 'plague' has been circulating the canyon as of lately, and thus far I have avoided it.  However, this morning I woke up with that exhausted 'hit by a truck' feeling, a HUGE painful cold sore on my lip, and the suspicious scratchiness in my throat.  ON TOP OF THAT....I am puking.  AND, on top of that....I am having contractions.

Now don't get all excited.  I've been having contractions for at least a week, off and on.  Every day I get them, is stronger than the day before.  But there have also been days that I have nothing, not even one single solitary contractions.  Nada.  The other day for 6 hours straight I had VERY regular contractions.  They were getting more painful at the end.  And just when I thought, 'gosh this really could be it', they ALL stopped.  Ugh.

It's to the point now where vomiting, although physically miserable, is becoming just emotionally torturous.  It is SO defeating to be puking your guts out at this point.  Several reasons, but the biggest: if you have even an ounce of liquid in your bladder, it comes pouring out because of the force of your straining while vomiting.  TMI?  Maybe.  But yes, almost every time I puke, I also pee my pants, and the floor, and whatever else is around.  LOVELY.  Really don't know if the man will ever be able to look at me the same again.

And then the plague, oh the plague.  Luckily I'm not feeling super horrible with this one, yet.  Just a cold sore the size of a skittle on my lip, and the feeling that I stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG.  Funny thing is I actually slept great last night. (Well except for the hour I woke up and realized the boy hadn't woken me up with his kicking once that night, anxiety settled in, I drank some cold juice, and started doing an hour of kick counting.  He of course was fine.)  But I really slept great all night.  Well, pregnancy great.

If it sounds like I am drowning and self pity and complaining non stop.  You are right.  And at this point, I don't really give a crap.  I am in survival mode people.  AND still 6 days from my due date.  I think the crappy part is that my doc basically assured me I would be having him by induction sometime yesterday or today, so to be here, and have no baby, and not be in the hospital, is just a little much for me right now.

Alot too much right now.

AND....my poor kiddos are stuck downstairs with my mom, which to her credit is doing a fine job, but my kids are just VERY tired of her after a week.  So their crabiness, and fits are getting OUT OF CONTROL.

I think everyone would be happier, on the entire planet, if this baby could be born soon.

Lord, where in your wisdom and timing do you feel like it is a good idea for me to still be pregnant?