Breech Baby Frank.

So, for a few weeks now I have been having what was assumed to be gallbladder pain.  I went in yesterday for my confirmation ultrasound, to confirm indeed that it was my gallbladder.  We were then going to make a plan from there.  Oh plans.  They never work do they?

Good news: gallbladder is normal, healthy, perfect.....well except for the large baby head, hands, and feet that are pressing against it.  Yep, you heard me right, I've got a breech baby in there.  A frank breech baby to be exact.  Now, this is fine.  I've been through this many times before, the thought of a breech baby in itself doesn't freak me out.  Even the knowledge that I will most likely have to have a c-section doesn't freak me out.  The thing that freaks me out is that during the ultrasound they found that the cord is wrapped around the babies hand.  At first I thought 'well at least its not the neck', and although that is true, a pinched cord, is a bad bad thing.

So of course I did what any logical person would do: went online.  Yikes.  Online you find tons of stories of babies dying due to a cord being wrapped around their neck, but you also find a slew of stories of babies dying from their cords being wrapped around other places: like their foot.

Oh holy heck.  What am I supposed to do with this info?

Trust God.

Yep.

It just feels that lately, in my life, trusting God usually doesn't go in my favor.  I know that sounds horrible.  And it is.  But again I said thats what it feels like.  Feelings don't often match up with truth.

The idea of having to deliver my little Ozzy, dead, because of something stupid like the cord being wrapped around his hand, is a little unbearable right now.  And it should be.  I am analyzing every feeling I've been having, everything he is doing, trying to figure out if he is in danger.  I want his hand to slip out of the cord, but then again, if it does, then there is a huge chance of a knot forming where his hand was.

I want to trust God, I really do, but I don't.  I trusted him with Noah, that tanked.  I trust him with my marriage, that fails often too.

I know trusting God is the right thing to do, and really the only option, but right now, it doesn't sound like a good plan at all.

Please don't be alarmed.  I am not having a crisis of faith.  I am just one who believe that the Lord would rather us admit the fault of how we are actually feeling, than fake the perfection of false emotion.

He knows I am having a hard time trusting him right now.  Why pretend?

If what's going to happen is what's going to happen, what's the difference anyways?