These are the days of motherhood I hate the most. When everywhere around me is work to be done, staring me in the face. Literally, in every room there is something screaming 'WORK WORK' at me. And all I want to do, is take a much needed nap. These are the days that make it perfectly perfectly clear, a mother's job is never done. I still keep tricking myself into thoughts that start with 'When I have everything done I will.....' and end with a various assortment of things like: 'take a bath' or 'put my makeup on' or 'upload photos' or 'fix my toe nail polish that has now been chipping off for over a month' or 'workout' or 'get homeschool preschool stuff together' or 'work on the babies room'....on and on and on and on, forever and ever.
These are the days I walk around feeling defeated THE ENTIRE DAY. Shoulders down, head down, tears streaming down my face, and no forcefulness of fake emotion makes much of a difference at all. Why? I am exhausted. Literally I want to fall over into my bed and sleep for 3 days straight. But, that would put me even more behind in work, and make me even more stressed out, so nevermind. Sleeps not that important, right?!?!?!
Part of it is my fault, the reason I feel overwhelmed and so behind on chores. I read a book. For gosh sakes. I read 1 dang book people. And guess what, it wasn't even a fun selfish 'for me' book. It was a PARENTING BOOK. So, for the last few days I have been reading at naptimes, reading after bedtimes, and guess what, the work added up. Silly me. Why would I even attempt to do something important like read a book in search a better understanding of my strong willed child? Why would I take the time to become a better mommy to her by reading something like that? Silly me. I should have never read it and been back one week ago wanting to rewind time and never have kids (more on that in an upcoming post). That was a much healthier place to be.
Overwhelmed. That's the only emotion I feel today. And I'm pretty freaking sure I'll feel that way for the next 18 years, or more. Pretty, dang, hopeless. I can't ever get caught up on rest, I'll feel tired 'forever'. I can't ever get caught up on chores, there will literally ALWAYS be something on my to do list. Every thing I ever do that is supposed to be relaxing will be tainted with guilt, for years and years to come. Watching a movie?.....I should be picking up toys. Taking a bath?....I should be folding laundry. Looking through a magazine?......only on the toilet. Reading a book?......there's dishes awaiting. Going on a date?.....my kids are upset we left. Blogging to process life verbally to anyone....anyone?.....your house is a freaking wreck.
Guilt guilt guilt.
So please, if you find yourself in the position today where you actually get to experience a true break, true rest, true freedom, true down time with nothing looming in the shadows, please: LIVE IT UP.
I'd like to take solace in the fact that today is in fact our friday, but I have learned that is a very deceptive hope to latch on to. You see, we've made the switch. Weekend are no longer for relaxing, they are for WORK WORK WORK. Its the only time my man can get caught up on his few chores (yard work, work laundry, bills) and the only time I can do certain chores that are impossible to do during the week with two toddlers (vacuuming, cleaning their rooms, cleaning their bathrooms, and any project that takes longer than 1 hour to do). Weekend actually make me more tired most of the time, and almost always result in the inability to walk as I try to push myself through my most recent back/hip injury thanks to the pregnancy and expanding hips.
LOL! Can't even finish this post.....a little voice is calling me in the room across the house. Better catch it before baby sissy is awoken by the hysteria.
Oh motherhood. I love you. But stay at home motherhood, you will be my demise.
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