I'm learning I blog to process life. Pretty pathetic I know. I have no real humans to do this with. I'll take what I can get right now to keep my sanity I guess.
When we became parents, we jumped on the spanking bus, because we knew no other way. My man and I were both spanked as children, and every single one of our friends spank, we didn't know anything different. We spanked our oldest daughter until she was about 3, and then enough was enough. Our brains finally kicked in high gear, and we started thinking: WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!?! It was making our entire family miserable. Our oldest, miss independent, would escalate every single time we would spank. It was pretty miserable to say the least.
It would go something like this:
She would be disobedient, she would receive a spank.
She would get angry that she received a spank, and spit at us, so she would receive two spanks.
She would get angry that she received another spank, yell at us, so she would receive three spanks.
She would get angry that she received yet another spank, hit us, so she would receive four spanks.
This could go on and on, spank after spank, and it would never deescalate. She would be crying, screaming, and loosing total control, as I was spanking her to encourage her to get self control. I would feel nauseous inside as I watched my daughters heart being beat down by me myself. And our little baby monster would be terrified as she heard her big sis screaming at the hand of her mother. DID NOT WORK. We tried it for 2 years of her life, and 95% of the time got the same result.
This is where I am usually met with comments of "You were not consistent enough," to which I reply "60 spanks in one day feels a little like abuse to me!"
Finally at age 3, when our brains kicked in, we started looking down at the root of why we were doing this. We finally came to the conclusion that unless we were feeling very personally convicted by the Lord himself to be doing this to our daughter, we had better stop. I think I actually said "Husband, I will do this if you want me to, but you better make sure you and the Lord are 100% on the same page on this, or I'm going to stop." We did some soul searching, Bible searching, and stopped immediately.
What followed, still amazes me to this day. We realized a hard hard truth about the path the Lord was leading us down in disciplining our kids. IT IS SO MUCH HARDER NOT TO SPANK!!!!!!!!
Let me clarify. Our hearts and our souls as a family have been restored, given so much life back, and so much freedom and joy. There is no more shame, no more guilt, no more hesitation. But: There is ALOT more work!!!!!!
We learned that kids are very motivated by the fear of pain. Something that sickens our souls, but true nonetheless. When you remove that fear of pain, it at least doubles if not triples your work as a parent in disciplining your kids. If a kid thinks they are going to be physically hurt, they will many times opt out of said behaviour to escape the physical pain of something such as a spank. If the fear of pain is not there, it makes those heart conversations with your children about 10 times longer.
With spanking we were taught:
1) Ask your child to do something one time.
2) If they do not do what you ask, they are being disobedient.
3) If they break a rule they know to be true, they are being disobedient.
4) Bring them to you, and in a gentle voice say "you were disobedient, I have to give you a spank now."
5) Spank your child, preferably with an object shaped like a rod, or your hand.
6) Tell your child again "I gave you a spank because you were being disobedient"
7) Ask them to apologize to you.
8) Tell them you forgive them. Quote a scripture, using some biblical reference to show them that the Bible says what they did is wrong. Pray with them.
9) Hugs and kisses, and all done.
If the first spank does not automatically bring their heart back into submission, continue with steps 4-9 until they are being obedient and submissive.
Now disciplining our children goes something like this:
Big sis, why do you think baby sis is crying?
Because I hit her.
Does she look happy or sad that you hit her?
She looks sad.
Do you like it when your sissy feels sad.
Yes. (said with a smile)
Do you like to feel sad?
Nope.
Do you like it when baby sissy makes you feel sad?
Nope.
Do you think baby sissy likes it when you make her feel sad?
No.
Then shouldn't we always try to keep ourselves from doing things that make her sad.
Yes.
That would be very kind wouldn't it?
Yes.
Should we try to do something right now to make her happy?
Yes.
What should we do?
Give her a gentle hug and a gentle kiss.
Yes, that would be nice. Should we also say we are sorry?
Yes.
Why did you hit your baby sissy?
Because she had my dinosaur.
Did she take it from you?
No.
So you just saw her playing with it, wanted it, and hit her?
Yep.
And now do you have the dinosaur?
No.
So did your plan work?
Nope.
What do you think a better way to get your dinosaur would be?
I could ask her if I could have a turn.
Yes, you could gently ask her for a turn, or you could gently tell her that when she is done with it you would like to play with it.
OK.
It is nice to let our sister and friends enjoy toys they are playing with. And it is good to practice being patient while we watch them enjoy their toys. We know we will get a turn later, don't we?
Yes.
So next time baby sissy has your toy what are you going to do?
I am going to ask her for a turn.
What happens if she says no?
Then I will take it from her.
No. If she says no, would it be kind then to just take it from her?
No.
What would be more kind?
To wait til she is done.
ON AND ON AND ON AND ON!!!!!!!!!!!! These conversations can last SO long!!!! It is very hard to help a 4 year old search her heart and understand their motivations behind things. It is very time consuming to have these conversations with her. But it is SO rewarding!!! We have seen such fruit come out of these conversations with her, and her building a true understanding of right and wrong, and choosing to do right out of love of virtue, not fear of punishment.
We will continue on this path of discipline, until the Lord leads otherwise. Maybe someday it will be back to spanking. But for now, we are trying to be obedient in what He has asked of us to do with these two precious girls today. Our little monster might be a different story, but as of yet, her compliant heart, and overhearing many lessons learned with sissy, have made directing her an ease.
Please don't read any of this as us disagreeing with spanking in general. We believe that some families are called to it, but ours is not right now. We believe that is an issue for every family to wrestle through themselves. Our prayer is that every family takes the time to wrestle through the issue of spanking or not, and follows through on the leading in their hearts, not of those around them.
Remember: The goal of parenting is not to produce perfect kids. The goal of parenting should be, in everything show your kids the unending LOVE of Christ, and pray that they respond to Him back with love. I want my kids to be so overwhelmed by Jesus' love that they choose on their own to fall in love with Him. Yes, having obedient kids will make your life easier, and will make people think more highly of you as a parent. BUT: that is not the self centered approach God wants us to have in parenting. In everything He wants us to die to ourselves. Maybe that means spanking, maybe that means not spanking. For me, not spanking has been a daily battle of dying to myself.
I, am not perfect in this at all. The inspiration for this post actually came from a horrific mommy moment not 30 minutes ago when I was trying to get my 4 year old to take a nap. I could feel my blood pressure rising as I was as gently trying to coax her into bed, I was exhausted, and hadn't had lunch. After 15 minutes I felt myself snap, and said the words I dread the most: "If you don't get into your bed and stay there I am going to give you a spank!" Ugh. She got that sad sad scared look on her face and I could tell her heart had switched. She got into bed, and laid they quietly weeping, and I knew for sure: she's in bed now because she is scared. Not because she respected me in that moment and got into bed, not because she chose to be obedient in that moment, not out of a true desire to listen to her mommy, but because she was scared. I still feel nauseous. And the worst part is: I will have to follow through. I pray for our hearts that she stays in bed. I do not want to have to spank that precious daughter of mine. But if she gets out, I will follow through and spank her, and then I will have to ask the Lord's forgiveness, and my husbands. Although I will not ask for her forgiveness for the spank, I will ask her forgiveness for the way I talked to her, and for loosing my self control. Then I will try to keep the self control for myself, that I ask her to keep 100 times a day. Ugh. Ugly mommy fail.
Is some part of me shinier? Even a millimeter? Please say it is. I need a rope to hold onto in all of this.
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