No, it is not sad. I am.

I am selfish.  By far the most selfish person I know.

This is my vice with motherhood.

It rubs up against me in the total wrong way.  Like pulling a razor up a prickly mommy leg, each moment cutting off a hair at its root.  Just knocking them down folks.  Motherhood does this to me.  It cuts me down, at my root.  It erases me.  There is nothing left.

But.  It's doing its job.  It is refining me.  Really you could say its rubbing me the 'right way'.  But I hate the work its doing.  I find no joy in literally never getting to do WHAT I WANT TO DO!!!!  (I sound like my toddlers now.)  And ALWAYS having to do what my 'people' need from me.

Yes dear, I will find your purple monkey with the bananna on its head instead of brushing ALL of my teeth.  Only half a clean mouth is just fine.

Yes dear, I will wrap your baby in a blanket for the 100th time today instead of eating my lunch.  If I pass out you can just use me as a jungle gym.

Yes dear, I will wipe your poopy butt when the smell of it makes me dry heave over the toilet.  (while pregnant)

Yes dear, I will help you put on a dry shirt instead of going to the restroom.  Constipation is just fine!  Feels lovely!

See.  Selfish.

I think the tricky thing with motherhood is that I SHOULD be able to do these things:  I should be able to brush all of my teeth at one time,  I should be able to eat my lunch when I am starving, I should not have to do things that make me vomit, and I should get to poop when I want to!!!!!!!!  These things are basic needs folks.  I'm not asking for elaborate vacations, or a brand new wardrobe.  (Although, to be honest, I wouldn't refused if someone offered.)  I just want to still be a person too!!!

Its the little things, the tiny things, that wear at me, moment by moment, that tear away at me, until I get to the cusp of a new stage of refinement, and I realize that if I'm torn away at anymore, there will be nothing left.  I will be a ghost of myself.  I will be a new creation.

I've expressed my dislike of stay at home motherhood with a few friends and relatives, and have frequently been met with looks and statements of "Oh thats sad!"

To which I want to reply.  NO IT IS NOT!  It is not sad that motherhood does this to me.  I AM sad that motherhood does this to me, but IT IS NOT SAD that motherhood does this to me.  IT IS GOOD THAT MOTHERHOOD DOES THIS TO ME!!!!!!  Everyone, every single person has something in their life that is used for their refinement.  It could be a boss, or a spouse, or a house, or a job, or health problems, or family problems, or even a friendship.  But, there is something in every single one of us that chips away at us.  If not, then you are Jesus Christ himself.  Congratulations!.....you have arrived.

Motherhood does this to me BECAUSE IT IS SUPPOSED TO people!  I have a perfect boss, an ideal marriage (that we have worked our butts off for 7 years to achieve), a huge house, a healthy body, a family that I love (they don't always love me, haha!), and great friends.  Since I am not Jesus Christ himself, by default, I MUST have something in my life that digs at me.  And I do, its my job.  Its being a stay at home mom.  It digs at me.  Daily.

So no.  It is not sad.  It is happy that I hate being a stay at home mom.  It is doing its work on me, and in me, and for me.

It is good.

It is reminding me daily of how selfish I am.  It is giving me the gift of looking into my ugly heart every single day and seeing the filth there.  It is showing me daily my imperfections, my brokeness, and my need for someone to rely on.  It is never fooling me into thinking I am perfect.  It is never fooling me into thinking I've got it all together.  And that is SO SO uncomfortable, but that is safe.  It is a safe place to live, on the edge of yourself looking into all that you are, and having to awknowledge daily: I need help.

I need help.  Hello.  Anyone.  Are you out there?  A little help here would be nice...