"If you want to be guaranteed to fail, become a parent."
Yep, pretty dang accurate for sure. I think I'd alter it a little bit to make it a little more on mark for me. It'd go something like:
"If you want to be guaranteed to fail, try raising a first born child."
It's not that I think I've got it all together with my second born, but I do have to admit, I do think I am doing a much better job. The world does too. My second kiddo is what I call a 'spotlight child'. She loves being the center of attention, and is pretty dang good at it. She is very compliant, answers me with an 'ok mommy' very consistently, has incredible manners, is very friendly, loves drawing people in, has a very likable personality, wakes up laughing in the morning, is constantly smiling, and gives life to those around her. We are constantly getting comments about how great she is. And you know what, that feels pretty, dang, good.
I've got to be honest though. It'd be a lie if I said I had much to do with it. I think a few key things go into who my second born is, and here they are:
1) GENETICS!!!!! I think that is the hugest one honestly. She was born this way. Sure, she's been living with us for the last 2 years, but the first year of life we were her caretakers, the second year we were her teachers, and just now, only now, are we becoming true parents of her.
2) She's only 2! Lets be honest, up until the age of 2, all kids are pretty darn easy. The first year you just take care of their basic needs, and the second year you teach them stuff. Pretty simple. She honestly isn't to the age yet where she's tried to ruffle many feathers. She's had a few moments here and there of being defiant, but we have just now started seeing the true beginnings of a disobedient heart. Also, 2 year olds are just comical and lovable by nature.
3) She is very socially advanced. I remember at around 6 or 9 months old she was sitting on the floor across from a baby her age, and she was trying to play 'catch' with him. He was a little younger, and a boy, and at a normal stage of social development, so he wasn't reciprocating, and she was pissed. To be under a year and trying to interact with a peer like that is VERY advanced, and she has continued on that pattern to this day. She seems fun, and unique, and different, because she is like a 3 year trapped in a 2 year old body. She's very with it socially. Now, she didn't walk until she was 18 months old, and still toddles like a baby, so that's another story in itself. All kids under 4 or 5 seem to have one area that they excel in over their peers, hers just happens to be social skills, and that gets her noticed for sure. Most 2 year old aren't trying to draw the majority of adults into their world, but she is, and that makes her unique. When kids get to 4 or 5 they all even out, by then she'll just be an average kid in this way.
4) Birth order. I think this is probably the second hugest reason she is the way she is. She's a second born. Second born kids have a pretty sweat gig if you ask me. With my first born, still to this day, I am overly cautious, overly strict, overly opinionated, overly controlling, overly fearful, and way overly prideful. And guess what, she is cautious, a perfectionist, opinionated, controlling, fearful, and gets embarrassed easily. Hmmmmmm, I wonder why that is. With my second born I have always been WAY more relaxed with her. And honestly, I think this has created a better environment in which to flourish. I know from experience. I grew up with a very dominating father, and I am a first born. Guess what, I am cautious, a perfectionist, opinionated, controlling, fearful, and prideful. I married a second born, who is VERY relaxed, and within our marriage, for the first time in my life, I was able to flourish and developed into who I was made to be, with no fear. Why?.....because I was finally out from under the rule of the iron thumb. I was finally loved unconditionally for who I am, exactly how I am. Thats what I am able to give to my second born. I am relaxed with her, I do not rule her with an iron thumb, I let her make a ton of mistakes, I show her love regardless. Why? Because I've been through it all with my first born, and I know that every stage they go through, is just that, a stage. When my first born at 18 months went through the 'NO!' stage, she got lots of spanks, and lots of talks, long long talks. Why? Pride. I was afraid that if people heard my kid yelling no at me they would think I was a bad mother, so I wanted to stop that behaviour right away. I thought if I had too much grace she would turn into some horrible child, so I got on her with every infraction. When my second born went through the 'NO!' stage, she got a "No thank you, that is not kind. Please don't talk to mommy that way. Please say 'no thank you' instead"....and that was it. I knew it was a stage, I knew she'd grow out of it, and she did. With my firstborn everything is so new, and I am fearful still in every situation. With every new thing she does I have to go through the ugly questions: Is this ok? What do I do with this? Is this normal? Is this going to ruin her if I don't get on top of this right away? Oh no, what will people think if they hear/see her doing this?..... For instance, right now she is in the 'spitting stage'. Of course I've researched it online for hours, and from what I have read its a totally normal 3 year old stage to go through. But I still struggle through the ugly questions: Is this normal? What will people think? I garantee you though that when my second born goes through the spitting stage I will handle it with a ton more grace.
So what did my second born do to become the way she is today: absolutely nothing. Genetics, age, skill level, birth order. Not in her control in the least bit.
And what did my first born do to become the way she is today: absolutely nothing. Genetics, age, skill level, birth order. Not in her control in the least bit.
I hate this. I have been so convicted lately by this thought: I am my first borns greatest critic, and my second borns greatest cheerleader. I heard this quote just today: "Be careful how to speak to your children, one day it will become their inner voice."
So what are their inner voices telling them?
My second born hears: Way to go sissy! Wow, what a big girl! Good choice! Good listening! What a happy heart! Uh, oh, please try that again! That's ok, lets try it different next time! I'm really sorry that happened to you!
My first born hears: The answer is no, you whined. Please go upstairs and find your obedient heart. Please go upstairs and find your kind heart. If you don't obey, no movie/milk/story/pool time for you. Please go out of the room. I told you not to do that. Please settle down. You are whining/being disobedient/being unkind. That's not drawing, that's coloring. No, like this. No, not like that. DEFEAT DEFEAT DEFEAT!!!!!
I am SO quick to point out what my first born is doing wrong, and SO slow to point out what she is doing right. I am SO slow to point out what my second born is doing wrong, and SO quick to point out what she is doing right.
So to myself, and those people that look at my first born, and her behaviour, and think: "They need to discipline her more, they need to be more consistent with her, they need to reign her in".....to us all I would reply: "You've got it all wrong! With her I need more grace! I need to be her cheerleader more. I need to be making her feel proud of who God made her to be. Because I have learned first hand, no sun can shine when pushed out by dark clouds." I am a dark dark cloud in my first borns life. And I am a clear clear sky in my second borns life. They did nothing to deserve this. And when my first born tells me someday that it is not fair, I will agree with her, and cry with her. It is not fair.
I want nothing more than to be a good mom to my first born. I don't understand why this is so hard, except to acknowledge: just like she is only a 3 year old girl, I am only a 3 year old mom. Everything with her is new and scary. Everything with her turns me into the most prideful person on the earth. I make decisions in her life based on to what degree her actions are embarrassing me. I make decisions based on what others will think of me. I need to only make decisions based on what is a moral issue or not, and what is best for us as a family.
Because of having a lousy mom, and being a first born, my eldest is not a warm fuzzy person. She does not try to draw everyone to herself. Why? I don't think she sees the point. I don't think she sees what's so great about her. And sadly, she's trapped in a cycle where the world affirms it. I've learned, sadly, that people LOVE friendly kids. They LOVE spotlight kids. Why? Because these kids make them feel good about themselves, these kids make them feel loved. People don't love cautious kids. They don't love fearful kids, they don't love shy kids. Why? Because these kids make them feel rejected, and unloved. Sadly, when you're 3 and this way, you have little to no control over it. You don't mean to make people feel this way. You're this way because you're 'made' this way. I have joined in with the rest of the world in this thinking at times, thinking that there is some defect in my eldest's personality. And then one day it dawned on me "SHE WAS BORN THIS WAY! That means God made her this way. That means He sees her personality type as an asset to the kingdom." If God thinks it was important to make people like her, then He has a great purpose for them. They are part of the 'body' just like the 'attractive' kids. They play a vital role too.
So yes, I do know that my youngest seems to be more lovable, but I will tell you only this: that it's because she is overflowing with the love that is poured into her. If my eldest was given that same chance, to be loved and accepted exactly how she is, she would overflow too.
My kids are carbon copies of my sister and I. My kiddos are 21 months apart, and my sis and I are 18 months apart. All four of us, little blond girls. My first born is so similar to how I was as a child, being first born myself. My second born is so similar to how my sister was as a child, who is also a second born. I remember from my childhood my sister getting more 'loves' from people. It was sad. I wanted love too. I was just afraid to ask for it. My mom frequently tells me that when we were little my sis would just run up to people and jump on their laps and get lavished in all sorts of love and attention. I would get ignored because I wasn't asking for it. She would have to remind the adults that I wanted the same love and affection too, I just wasn't going to beg for it like my sister did. I think its easy to assume that shy kids don't like social settings, that they have lower than normal social needs. But I think this is way off. I think shy kids just interact in social settings different than we expect them to. My eldest kid does not participate in most large group activities (like games at VBS this summer), so I am quick to assume she doesn't like stuff like that, or that she hates being around big crowds of people. But I am dead wrong. She likes stuff like that, but she likes to be the observer. She isn't going to beg for attention, she isn't going to steal the spotlight, she is content to sit on the sidelines and observe her friends having fun. She enjoys seeing others enjoy life, that brings her happiness. I think my first born will make a great friend some day. I don't think that she will be a total social butterfly, but I think she will have a small circle of friends that she enjoys, and is very faithful too. I think she'll be a good listener for a friend, I think she'll be good at asking others questions.
When she was 4 months old, I was literally starving her of physical nourishment because some dumb book told me a 4 month old was only supposed to nurse 4 times a day. Now she is almost 4 years old, and I am starving her of real nourishment, soul nourishment, for the same reason. PRIDE. I want so badly to be a good mom for her. I am so afraid that I'm not a good mom for her. Its a fear that paralyzes me, and makes me ineffective, and therefore fulfill my worst nightmare. I am not a good mom for her. I know I'm not. I see 4 years full of regret and mistakes. It is so sickeningly painful to me. I have failed her. I want to be better. Somehow, still, in all of this, I don't know how. Why do I not know how? If her and I are so similar, why is she such a mystery to me? If her and I are so similar, why does so rub me so wrong? Why when I get into a hard situation with her do I just want her out of my space, and I am so more able to work through things peacefully with my second kiddo?
I think when my eldest was a baby I was warned so much to 'not let her get away with things' to 'be consistent' to 'show her who's in authority' that I started operating in fear. I still frequently hear the voice that tells me 'if you let her have an inch, she'll take a mile'. I think I was taught that having an obedient child is the most important thing to accomplish as a parent. I was fearful when she was disobedient because of what I thought that meant. This has stifled me from allowing her to grow into who God created her to be. It has stifled me from allowing her to become independent as she naturally develops into an independent little girl. I try to control everything about her, because I am so fearful of her getting out of control. Redundant much.
This is not what children need. This is not what adults need. Humans need to be loved unconditionally. Isn't this what the Lord does for us? Yes, God wants us to be obedient to Him. But I don't think that's what he wants the most. I think what he wants the most is our hearts. I think he loves us SO much, he just desperately wants us to love him in return. That's really it. I think of course he wants us to be good moral people to the best of our ability, but I know he doesn't expect us to be perfect. In fact he built that into his word. The old testament is many things, and one of those things is a 'rule' book. It has tons of rules/laws in it. Now we have the new testament, which yes has some 'rules' in it, but is mostly just the love story about Jesus. The reason God 'made' the new testament, why he made a new plan, was cause the old plan wasn't working. That WAY dumbs it down and simplifies it I know, but basically that was it. Now, I don't think AT ALL that we are supposed to toss out the old testament, but I do feel as though we are supposed to look at it in a different light than those who lived by that law 'back in the day' did. I think now we are supposed to look at it for what it is: unachievable. I think we are supposed to look at the law, and try to be good people, not because its the most important thing to be good. I think we are supposed to look at the law, and try to be good people, so that we can realize that we can't be good people. As hard as we try, we will never be 'good'. As hard as we try, we will never be 'perfect'. As hard as we try, we will never follow the law to its entirety. Why? We are all really screwed up, and all really imperfect, we are broken. The only thing that can fix us, is Jesus himself. Think about it, if the laws in the old testament, and all of the things we do as people to 'work our way' into heaven were working, then what was the point of Jesus? I don't think God would have sent his son to die on the cross unless he felt it was absolutely necessary. I don't think that was a 'let's try this' type of thing. I think that was the ONLY ONLY thing that would work. And it did work.
Jesus came here as a man, just like us, be he was perfect. He was sinless. Can you imagine that? He was actually perfect. So what did he do? He must have boasted in that right? He must have wanted everyone to know just how perfect he was, right? He must have worn really fancy clothes to draw attention to himself. He must have promoted himself among the dignitaries, and only stayed at the finest establishments right? He probably only hung out with royalty. I'm sure he rode on a white horse, with people following him everywhere feeding him grapes and cheese. I'm sure he told everyone to be perfect just like him. I'm sure that's why he came here right? To show everyone that its possible to be perfect, and to shame us all into perfection ourselves. He came here to rub it in. He must have shown of his mad skills of perfection, and put himself on display.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
He came here to give grace. He came here to show love. He came here to give acceptance. He came here to love us for who we are, just how we are. He came here to reconcile us to his father. He came here to draw attention not to himself, but to his father. He came here to save us. He came here to ask us to stop. He desperately wanted us to stop trying to be perfect. He desperately wanted us to stop trying to figure it all out. He came here with the answer of all answers: I AM THE WAY.
Done. Pretty, dang, simple, if you ask me. Not easy, but simple. He really doesn't ask much of us, does he? He doesn't have a check list. He doesn't have an iron thumb. He has an "Uh oh, please try that again!" and a "That's ok, lets try it different next time!". Its not like he loves our disobedience, but he able to look FAR past that, into our souls. He sees our hearts. ALL HE WANTS IS OUR LOVE. He knows who loves him. He knows who is trying. And he, has, grace. He knows when we are being outright disobedient, and he knows when our actions are a direct result of who we are, human.
I think in parenthood this is where the difference between willful disobedience and childish behaviour come in to play. The problem is, with my first born, I can't tell the difference. When she went through the "NO!" phase, at the time I classified it as willful disobedience, but now I know, it was just childish behaviour. It was a direct result of who she was, a baby!!!! I can't expect her to act like an adult, when she is a child. Just like Jesus doesn't expect me to act like a saviour when I am only human. But still, at almost 4, as she is moving in and out of these stages, I don't know what in the world they are. Is she spitting because she is a gross kid who has totally lost it and gone of the deep end into a unrescuable pit of unruliness. Or, is she spitting because its a new skill she learned, and she likes looking at the bubbles it makes, and loves the sound it makes, and sees her daddy spitting time to time. I want a handbook. I really do. I want a specific book of how to's guidelines from the Lord himself in regards to my first born. I want direction here people. But you know what? I think there might be a book sorta like that. And I think this is what it says:
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and DO NOT HINDER THEM, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
DO NOT HINDER THEM. This verse is in relation to Jesus's reaction to his disciples when they rebuked the people who were bringing children to him for prayer. He said DO NOT HINDER THEM. But I would guess, if Jesus was with me in the flesh right now, he'd grab me by the face, stare me in the eyes, and sternly speak those words, "Do, not, hinder her." The definition of hinder I found online fits this well. Hinder: create difficulties for (someone or something), resulting in delay or obstruction. I do. I hinder her. I do not say "let her come". I say "come when I command you". I obstruct her, I cause delays for her, I create difficulties for her.
You know. My first born is the way she is partly because of genetics, but the hugest factor that goes into get personality at this point in life, is birth order, and my reaction to that.
Its a pretty daunting task to be a first born myself, trying to raise a first born. Oh if we could all be second borns, life would be much simpler for sure. First borns have a natural fear of mistakes and a desire to do everything right. This makes for a lousy parent I think. I do nothing but magnify the struggles she has, because they are my struggles too.
My second born has it much easier for sure. I have though, more recently, become keenly aware that although my second born does have a very attractive personality, there is a hidden ugliness in it. Already, at 2 years old, she is becoming a people pleaser. She loves being obedient because it gets her praise and positive attention. She loves being friendly, for the same reasons. And really, its developed out of survival as the second kid: she had to find a way to get attention somehow. She figured it out for sure. She's the way she is out of necessity.
So please, self, have grace with both of your children. Please recognize that both personality types have blessings and curses. Please don't fall in with the rest of the world and favor one of your kid's personality types over the other based on what 'feels good' and makes you 'look good.' Yes, your second born makes you look like you are succeeding, and your first born makes you look like you are failing. But please remember, God gave you life to make you holy, and chances are, he gave your first born a greater purpose in your life because of that fact alone: she refines you more. God gave you children to refine you, let him fulfill that purpose in you. It is not her fault. She is 3. She has not control over who she is becoming. She is victim to genetics and birth order just like the rest of us. She is wonderful, others will see her light shine someday if you let them. Please have grace with her, please do not hinder her.
After all, you've learned first hand, birth order's a &*%$#!!!!
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