My refinement through motherhood really started in me as soon as it could: when morning sickness began with my first pregnancy. I had had these visions of what pregnancy was going to be like: I would live my normal life to its entirety, be so cute, and have this little growing bump of a baby that the whole world would oooooo and ahhhhh at.
Nope. Here I was 6 weeks in, wanting to fall over from nausea and exhaustion, still working 40 hours a week, and trying to manage a home, feeling overwhelmed and helpless. At the time, my job was in housekeeping, and although I loved my job (I'm weird I know), I could soon tell my job didn't love me anymore. I was calling in sick more often than not. The sights and smells of my occupation had me dry heaving every 15 minutes, not good. I also felt so tired and weak, that even standing up from scrubbing a toilet would exhaust me and leave me seeing stars as my new found blood supply tried to make its way back to my brain.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to wake up every freaking morning full of energy, put my makeup on, go to work with my friends, come home and go on a run, have a deliciously healthy dinner, and have a productive evening at home with my husband.
The make up stopped at 6 weeks.
The running stopped at 6 weeks.
The cooking stopped at 6 weeks.
The productive evenings stopped at 6 weeks.
And I was learning quickly that the job was going to stop soon.
Finally at 12 weeks my doctor advised that I quit working. This was so painful. For one, I really liked my job, found it fulfilling, and loved the people I worked with. But I also knew that me quitting would not be received well by management, and this terrified me.
I had to die to myself again, right then and there. I could see now that my visions of working full time up to delivery were not panning out, and I had to sacrifice for the little bundle growing in my tummy, and quit my job.
Although it wasn't received well by my employer, it was received SO well by my pregnant body. I was so thankful that my doctor and husband had pushed me in this direction, and that I had been obedient enough to follow through. Getting to sleep when I needed to, eat when I needed to, and lay down with my feet up when I needed to got me back to feeling pretty normal. Although the running, job, and productive evening never returned that pregnancy, the make up and the cooking did, and I was elated.
Now here I am, four years later, finding myself in the same predicament. This time though it isn't a lovely 40 hour a week job, its a strenuous 90 hour a week job, and this one I can't walk away from. I cannot simply quit being a stay at home mom for my two lovely little ladies, this one I have to endure to completion.
My pregnancy with baby number 2 was not pleasant, but my oldest was just a year old, still taking two naps a day, and easily entertained by movies or independent playtime. Although the makeup and the running disappeared again with pregnancy number 2, I was still doing my 'job' as a mommy well, and succeeding as a wife. The adjustment from 1 to 2 was not that difficult.
I am learning that going from 2 to 3 is already a little more challenging than I was expecting.
Here I am pregnant with the little man, with two little girls running around, and no escape. With two kids already, I am on duty every hour they are awake, never able to rest when I need to. Number 2, the little monster, is not easily entertained by movies or independent playtime, and only takes 1 nap a day. She is our wild child, and in need of constant supervision, unless of course I desire to see her jump off of a table every hour. Things are a little different this time around, and I am realizing that my refinement through this little guy is starting to come on full force already.
In all my exhaustion, he is actually the one that keeps me from naps myself. I don't know why, but with pregnancy this time, naps do more harm then good. I really struggled with morning sickness, pretty much all day, the first half of this pregnancy. PRAISE THE LORD, it is gone for the most part, except when I nap. When I nap, my morning sickness is there to greet me upon waking, and stays with me the rest of the day. I have learned quickly to not try naps as a solution to my never ending sleepiness. So instead my husband and my kids get this ugly version of their wife and mother to live with. Sorry guys!
Life was so simple before marriage and kids. I dealt with extreme loneliness, and wouldn't dare wish to return there. But it was simple. I was the master of my own destiny, the creator of my diet, the ruler of my sleep schedule, the 'messer' of my house. Now there are 4 other rocks in this river of life with me, eroding me to nothingness.
Take sleep for example:
Its my husband that keeps me awake at night.
Its my kiddos that wake me up early in the morning.
Its my baby boy still in my tummy that make it impossible to get the relief I need through naps.
Is it worth it? I hear it is. Right now that seems like a distant revelation of hindsight I will have at some point in the far off future, but right now I am in it too much. Right now life happens in the moment, moment by moment. Some of those moments bring joyful tears to my eyes, but alot of them these days bring tears of sorrow. It is a sad sad thing to be reminded daily of how trapped I feel, not by those around me, but by my own selfishness.
I am trapping myself by my unwillingness to surrender to this stage of life I am in. But in the tiredness of my mind, nothing is rational, and I am still choosing to believe there is some hope in saving part of myself. I'm afraid to loose all of me, the creation that God made me, into the abyss of motherhood. So right now I hold on, I hope one day to surrender, but today is not the day. And I think that is just fine.
I am a work in progress. When I expect perfection or rush myself it is not genuine, and is therefore incomplete surrender. I desire to not be lukewarm, but either hot or cold. I have confidence, that through the heat of refinement, I will be hot enough to surrender eventually. But I am being patient now, because He is too. He desires nothing less than my all, and I cannot give that right now.
I will not cheapen what He did for me through pretending.
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