Today marks the beginning of another year in my husbands life. Today he turns 32, old man, I know. I am so so thankful for him, who God created him to be, and the man he is to our family. We couldn't ask for a better man of the house: a better husband, a better daddy. He is who God created him to be, he is who God made for me as a spouse, and who my girls need as a daddy with all of their joys and quirks.
He's got his quirks himself, but heck, we all do. When we were dating I thought all of his quirks were so adorable, loved them all, loved how different we were, thought we just just complimented each other perfectly. Then, of course, when we got married those quirks started chipping pieces off of me, and I didn't like them so much anymore. Through the years, and in this season of life, I have the joy of saying that although those quirks aren't quite as adorable as they once were, they are not so painful as they were in the most recent of years. We have the privilege of being in a stage of marriage right now where our quirks are actually a source of humor in our marriage. When I have a moment of being SO me, we can just laugh about it now. The same goes for him. I am constantly humored by the strength of his personality, and constantly thankful that he is SO SO different than I am. We could be your classic 'opposites attract' story. Its been rough at times, but seems to be working just great for us now. I think the key in it all, is that we have gotten to a place where we have accepted each other for who we truly are, the creations God made us, our unique beings, and with that comes a ton of joy.
I think sometimes as Christian women, we feel that when the bible speaks of us submitting to our husbands, we picture a husband who is: aggressive, a forceful leader, decisive, opinionated, a visionary, a planner, competitive, a fighter.....your basic Type A, lion personality. But what if this is not the man God created your husband as. What if your husband is: gentle, a servant leader, a servant to others, relaxed, funny, kind, playful, jolly, trusting, a peacemaker, very easy going. Does this mean you don't submit to him?
I had a few years of marriage where I really struggled with the answer to this question. I grew up in a family with a very domineering father. I was used to living with a very strong male. Although marrying my hubby was a breath of fresh air for sure, it wasn't what I expected, and I didn't know what to do with myself in that.
I had thought submission in marriage would be a piece of cake. It was very easy to submit to my father, it would of course be simple to submit to a husband. Before we were married, I knew the ins and outs of my future husbands character, but I think I thought marriage would somehow make him this strong leader, a captain of our ship, directing us across the world. This hasn't been my experience. My husband would much rather serve than be served, everyone, including me. My husband, when met with the stresses of life, does not have a 10 page backup plan, he has an unending faith in the Lord, and his ever familiar mantra of 'God will provide, God will take care of us, God has a plan'. My husband doesn't give me a to do list at the beginning of every day to guide me through my every moment, but starts each day of work with hugs, kisses, and a "have a fun day!" In arguments, he doesn't rise to the top, he doesn't demand to be right, he calmly tries to be rational as we work out a solution together. I know this sounds ideal, but it has actually been quite difficult in the past.
I've discovered that I really want a strong leader. I've discovered that I can look down on a peaceful leader. I spent years of our marriage encouraging my husband into stronger leadership, thinking that once he was a strong domineering leader, life would be as it should be.
I was so wrong! My perspective finally changed when the Lord slapped me across the face with this one:
"I asked you submit to the husband I gave you, not the husband you thought I'd give you. Submit to your husband by accepting who I made him to be. He is the husband you need."
Oh crap. What had I been doing? Yes, sometimes a strong leader is easier to respect and submit to, but God wants me to submit to all leaders, not just strong leaders. He didn't make my husband with a lion personality, but with a golden retriever personality. As I was able to reflect on my family life growing up, with this new perspective I quickly realized the reason I was so able to submit to my father was because he was overpowering. He had a quick temper, expected perfection, and was constantly shaming me as a way of motivation.
Now I found myself in the complete opposite situation with my own spouse, and finally felt relief instead of confusion. I still want my man to make all of the decisions for us, but this is because I struggle to trust myself, but ultimately I struggle to trust God. It seems easier to me to have a man tell me what to do, because then I don't have to exercise my spiritual muscles. I don't have to pray, or wait, or discern, I can just follow blindly. It also seems easier because then if a mistake is made I have someone to blame it on. Ugly. I know.
I had to die all over again. I had to look at what I expected, and look at the reality of my life. I had to see that those two things didn't line up. And I had to accept this. I had to accept my guy for who he was, not who I thought he should be. And in this, of course, came a ton of freedom.
God has given me a husband who desires equality in decision making, equality in child rearing, equality in home management, equality in spiritual leadership of our children, equality in life planning, he desires a true partnership. I am called to submit to that. There are those times where I have the "You're going to have to make this one on your own, I'm at a loss" statements come out of my mouth, but for the most part, I have learned to be a very active role in this family and leadership.
I have had the joy and blessing of having many many friends find themselves in this same situation as me. Many of us agree, this place we find ourselves has a definite benefit, amidst its struggles: having to be totally reliant on the Lord. I'm sure its a 'grass is greener' sort of thing, but I have never had to struggle through depending on my husband over the Lord, and this is a true blessing to me. God knows how I am wired, he made me. He knows what I struggle with, he peers into my heart continually. And he knew, that this man of mine would be good for me, because he'd always be pointing me to the Lord in everything, in action and in word.
After all, the purpose of marriage is not to make us happy; but to make us holy.
Luckily, now that I've accepted my husband for who he is, I get to experience both.
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