Birth Order's a Beep.

I heard a quote once, that about sums up my experience with motherhood:

"If you want to be guaranteed to fail, become a parent."

Yep, pretty dang accurate for sure.  I think I'd alter it a little bit to make it a little more on mark for me.  It'd go something like:

"If you want to be guaranteed to fail, try raising a first born child."

It's not that I think I've got it all together with my second born, but I do have to admit, I do think I am doing a much better job.  The world does too.  My second kiddo is what I call a 'spotlight child'.  She loves being the center of attention, and is pretty dang good at it.  She is very compliant, answers me with an 'ok mommy' very consistently, has incredible manners, is very friendly, loves drawing people in, has a very likable personality, wakes up laughing in the morning, is constantly smiling, and gives life to those around her.  We are constantly getting comments about how great she is.  And you know what, that feels pretty, dang, good.

I've got to be honest though.  It'd be a lie if I said I had much to do with it.  I think a few key things go into who my second born is, and here they are:

1) GENETICS!!!!!  I think that is the hugest one honestly.  She was born this way.  Sure, she's been living with us for the last 2 years, but the first year of life we were her caretakers, the second year we were her teachers, and just now, only now, are we becoming true parents of her.

2) She's only 2!  Lets be honest, up until the age of 2, all kids are pretty darn easy.  The first year you just take care of their basic needs, and the second year you teach them stuff.  Pretty simple.  She honestly isn't to the age yet where she's tried to ruffle many feathers.  She's had a few moments here and there of being defiant, but we have just now started seeing the true beginnings of a disobedient heart.  Also, 2 year olds are just comical and lovable by nature.

3) She is very socially advanced.  I remember at around 6 or 9 months old she was sitting on the floor across from a baby her age, and she was trying to play 'catch' with him.  He was a little younger, and a boy, and at a normal stage of social development, so he wasn't reciprocating, and she was pissed.  To be under a year and trying to interact with a peer like that is VERY advanced, and she has continued on that pattern to this day.  She seems fun, and unique, and different, because she is like a 3 year trapped in a 2 year old body.  She's very with it socially.  Now, she didn't walk until she was 18 months old, and still toddles like a baby, so that's another story in itself.  All kids under 4 or 5 seem to have one area that they excel in over their peers, hers just happens to be social skills, and that gets her noticed for sure.  Most 2 year old aren't trying to draw the majority of adults into their world, but she is, and that makes her unique.  When kids get to 4 or 5 they all even out, by then she'll just be an average kid in this way.

4) Birth order.  I think this is probably the second hugest reason she is the way she is.  She's a second born.  Second born kids have a pretty sweat gig if you ask me.  With my first born, still to this day, I am overly cautious, overly strict, overly opinionated, overly controlling, overly fearful, and way overly prideful.  And guess what, she is cautious, a perfectionist, opinionated, controlling, fearful, and gets embarrassed easily.  Hmmmmmm, I wonder why that is.  With my second born I have always been WAY more relaxed with her.  And honestly, I think this has created a better environment in which to flourish.  I know from experience.  I grew up with a very dominating father, and I am a first born.  Guess what, I am cautious, a perfectionist, opinionated, controlling, fearful, and prideful.  I married a second born, who is VERY relaxed, and within our marriage, for the first time in my life, I was able to flourish and developed into who I was made to be, with no fear.  Why?.....because I was finally out from under the rule of the iron thumb.  I was finally loved unconditionally for who I am, exactly how I am.  Thats what I am able to give to my second born.  I am relaxed with her, I do not rule her with an iron thumb, I let her make a ton of mistakes, I show her love regardless.  Why?  Because I've been through it all with my first born, and I know that every stage they go through, is just that, a stage.  When my first born at 18 months went through the 'NO!' stage, she got lots of spanks, and lots of talks, long long talks.  Why?  Pride.  I was afraid that if people heard my kid yelling no at me they would think I was a bad mother, so I wanted to stop that behaviour right away.  I thought if I had too much grace she would turn into some horrible child, so I got on her with every infraction.  When my second born went through the 'NO!' stage, she got a "No thank you, that is not kind.  Please don't talk to mommy that way.  Please say 'no thank you' instead"....and that was it.  I knew it was a stage, I knew she'd grow out of it, and she did.  With my firstborn everything is so new, and I am fearful still in every situation.  With every new thing she does I have to go through the ugly questions: Is this ok?  What do I do with this?  Is this normal?  Is this going to ruin her if I don't get on top of this right away?  Oh no, what will people think if they hear/see her doing this?.....  For instance, right now she is in the 'spitting stage'.  Of course I've researched it online for hours, and from what I have read its a totally normal 3 year old stage to go through.  But I still struggle through the ugly questions: Is this normal?  What will people think?  I garantee you though that when my second born goes through the spitting stage I will handle it with a ton more grace.

So what did my second born do to become the way she is today: absolutely nothing.  Genetics, age, skill level, birth order.  Not in her control in the least bit.

And what did my first born do to become the way she is today: absolutely nothing.  Genetics, age, skill level, birth order.  Not in her control in the least bit.

I hate this.  I have been so convicted lately by this thought:  I am my first borns greatest critic, and my second borns greatest cheerleader.  I heard this quote just today:  "Be careful how to speak to your children, one day it will become their inner voice."

So what are their inner voices telling them?

My second born hears: Way to go sissy!  Wow, what a big girl!  Good choice!  Good listening!  What a happy heart!  Uh, oh, please try that again!  That's ok, lets try it different next time!  I'm really sorry that happened to you!

My first born hears:  The answer is no, you whined.  Please go upstairs and find your obedient heart.  Please go upstairs and find your kind heart.  If you don't obey, no movie/milk/story/pool time for you.  Please go out of the room.  I told you not to do that.  Please settle down.  You are whining/being disobedient/being unkind.  That's not drawing, that's coloring.  No, like this.  No, not like that.  DEFEAT DEFEAT DEFEAT!!!!!

I am SO quick to point out what my first born is doing wrong, and SO slow to point out what she is doing right.  I am SO slow to point out what my second born is doing wrong, and SO quick to point out what she is doing right.

So to myself, and those people that look at my first born, and her behaviour, and think:  "They need to discipline her more, they need to be more consistent with her, they need to reign her in".....to us all I would reply: "You've got it all wrong!  With her I need more grace!  I need to be her cheerleader more.  I need to be making her feel proud of who God made her to be.  Because I have learned first hand, no sun can shine when pushed out by dark clouds."  I am a dark dark cloud in my first borns life.  And I am a clear clear sky in my second borns life.  They did nothing to deserve this.  And when my first born tells me someday that it is not fair, I will agree with her, and cry with her.  It is not fair.

I want nothing more than to be a good mom to my first born.  I don't understand why this is so hard, except to acknowledge: just like she is only a 3 year old girl, I am only a 3 year old mom.  Everything with her is new and scary.  Everything with her turns me into the most prideful person on the earth.  I make decisions in her life based on to what degree her actions are embarrassing me.  I make decisions based on what others will think of me.  I need to only make decisions based on what is a moral issue or not, and what is best for us as a family.

Because of having a lousy mom, and being a first born, my eldest is not a warm fuzzy person.  She does not try to draw everyone to herself.  Why?  I don't think she sees the point.  I don't think she sees what's so great about her.  And sadly, she's trapped in a cycle where the world affirms it.  I've learned, sadly, that people LOVE friendly kids.  They LOVE spotlight kids.  Why?  Because these kids make them feel good about themselves, these kids make them feel loved.  People don't love cautious kids.  They don't love fearful kids, they don't love shy kids.  Why?  Because these kids make them feel rejected, and unloved.  Sadly, when you're 3 and this way, you have little to no control over it.  You don't mean to make people feel this way.  You're this way because you're  'made' this way.  I have joined in with the rest of the world in this thinking at times, thinking that there is some defect in my eldest's personality.  And then one day it dawned on me "SHE WAS BORN THIS WAY!  That means God made her this way.  That means He sees her personality type as an asset to the kingdom."  If God thinks it was important to make people like her, then He has a great purpose for them.  They are part of the 'body' just like the 'attractive' kids.  They play a vital role too.

So yes, I do know that my youngest seems to be more lovable, but I will tell you only this: that it's because she is overflowing with the love that is poured into her.  If my eldest was given that same chance, to be loved and accepted exactly how she is, she would overflow too.

My kids are carbon copies of my sister and I.  My kiddos are 21 months apart, and my sis and I are 18 months apart.  All four of us, little blond girls.  My first born is so similar to how I was as a child, being first born myself.  My second born is so similar to how my sister was as a child, who is also a second born.  I remember from my childhood my sister getting more 'loves' from people.  It was sad.  I wanted love too.  I was just afraid to ask for it.  My mom frequently tells me that when we were little my sis would just run up to people and jump on their laps and get lavished in all sorts of love and attention.   I would get ignored because I wasn't asking for it.  She would have to remind the adults that I wanted the same love and affection too, I just wasn't going to beg for it like my sister did.  I think its easy to assume that shy kids don't like social settings, that they have lower than normal social needs.  But I think this is way off.  I think shy kids just interact in social settings different than we expect them to.  My eldest kid does not participate in most large group activities (like games at VBS this summer), so I am quick to assume she doesn't like stuff like that, or that she hates being around big crowds of people.  But I am dead wrong.  She likes stuff like that, but she likes to be the observer.  She isn't going to beg for attention, she isn't going to steal the spotlight, she is content to sit on the sidelines and observe her friends having fun.  She enjoys seeing others enjoy life, that brings her happiness.  I think my first born will make a great friend some day.  I don't think that she will be a total social butterfly, but I think she will have a small circle of friends that she enjoys, and is very faithful too.  I think she'll be a good listener for a friend, I think she'll be good at asking others questions.

When she was 4 months old, I was literally starving her of physical nourishment because some dumb book told me a 4 month old was only supposed to nurse 4 times a day.  Now she is almost 4 years old, and I am starving her of real nourishment, soul nourishment, for the same reason.  PRIDE.  I want so badly to be a good mom for her.  I am so afraid that I'm not a good mom for her.  Its a fear that paralyzes me, and makes me ineffective, and therefore fulfill my worst nightmare.  I am not a good mom for her.  I know I'm not.  I see 4 years full of regret and mistakes.  It is so sickeningly painful to me.  I have failed her.  I want to be better.  Somehow, still, in all of this, I don't know how.  Why do I not know how?  If her and I are so similar, why is she such a mystery to me?  If her and I are so similar, why does so rub me so wrong?  Why when I get into a hard situation with her do I just want her out of my space, and I am so more able to work through things peacefully with my second kiddo?

I think when my eldest was a baby I was warned so much to 'not let her get away with things' to 'be consistent' to 'show her who's in authority' that I started operating in fear.  I still frequently hear the voice that tells me 'if you let her have an inch, she'll take a mile'.  I think I was taught that having an obedient child is the most important thing to accomplish as a parent.  I was fearful when she was disobedient because of what I thought that meant.  This has stifled me from allowing her to grow into who God created her to be.  It has stifled me from allowing her to become independent as she naturally develops into an independent little girl.  I try to control everything about her, because I am so fearful of her getting out of control.  Redundant much.

This is not what children need.  This is not what adults need.  Humans need to be loved unconditionally.  Isn't this what the Lord does for us?  Yes, God wants us to be obedient to Him.  But I don't think that's what he wants the most.  I think what he wants the most is our hearts.  I think he loves us SO much, he just desperately wants us to love him in return.  That's really it.  I think of course he wants us to be good moral people to the best of our ability, but I know he doesn't expect us to be perfect.  In fact he built that into his word.  The old testament is many things, and one of those things is a 'rule' book.  It has tons of rules/laws in it.  Now we have the new testament, which yes has some 'rules' in it, but is mostly just the love story about Jesus.  The reason God 'made' the new testament, why he made a new plan, was cause the old plan wasn't working.  That WAY dumbs it down and simplifies it I know, but basically that was it. Now, I don't think AT ALL that we are supposed to toss out the old testament, but I do feel as though we are supposed to look at it in a different light than those who lived by that law 'back in the day' did.  I think now we are supposed to look at it for what it is: unachievable.  I think we are supposed to look at the law, and try to be good people, not because its the most important thing to be good.  I think we are supposed to look at the law, and try to be good people, so that we can realize that we can't be good people.  As hard as we try, we will never be 'good'.  As hard as we try, we will never be 'perfect'.  As hard as we try, we will never follow the law to its entirety.  Why?  We are all really screwed up, and all really imperfect, we are broken.  The only thing that can fix us, is Jesus himself.  Think about it, if the laws in the old testament, and all of the things we do as people to 'work our way' into heaven were working, then what was the point of Jesus?  I don't think God would have sent his son to die on the cross unless he felt it was absolutely necessary.  I don't think that was a 'let's try this' type of thing.  I think that was the ONLY ONLY thing that would work.  And it did work.

Jesus came here as a man, just like us, be he was perfect.  He was sinless.  Can you imagine that?  He was actually perfect.  So what did he do?  He must have boasted in that right?  He must have wanted everyone to know just how perfect he was, right?  He must have worn really fancy clothes to draw attention to himself.  He must have promoted himself among the dignitaries, and only stayed at the finest establishments right?  He probably only hung out with royalty.  I'm sure he rode on a white horse, with people following him everywhere feeding him grapes and cheese.  I'm sure he told everyone to be perfect just like him.  I'm sure that's why he came here right?  To show everyone that its possible to be perfect, and to shame us all into perfection ourselves.  He came here to rub it in.  He must have shown of his mad skills of perfection, and put himself on display.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

He came here to give grace.  He came here to show love.  He came here to give acceptance.  He came here to love us for who we are, just how we are.  He came here to reconcile us to his father.  He came here to draw attention not to himself, but to his father.  He came here to save us.  He came here to ask us to stop.  He desperately wanted us to stop trying to be perfect.  He desperately wanted us to stop trying to figure it all out.  He came here with the answer of all answers:  I AM THE WAY.

Done.  Pretty, dang, simple, if you ask me.  Not easy, but simple.  He really doesn't ask much of us, does he?  He doesn't have a check list.  He doesn't have an iron thumb.  He has an "Uh oh, please try that again!" and a "That's ok, lets try it different next time!".  Its not like he loves our disobedience, but he able to look FAR past that, into our souls.  He sees our hearts.  ALL HE WANTS IS OUR LOVE. He knows who loves him.  He knows who is trying.  And he, has, grace.  He knows when we are being outright disobedient, and he knows when our actions are a direct result of who we are, human.

I think in parenthood this is where the difference between willful disobedience and childish behaviour come in to play.  The problem is, with my first born, I can't tell the difference.  When she went through the "NO!" phase, at the time I classified it as willful disobedience, but now I know, it was just childish behaviour.  It was a direct result of who she was, a baby!!!!  I can't expect her to act like an adult, when she is a child.  Just like Jesus doesn't expect me to act like a saviour when I am only human.  But still, at almost 4, as she is moving in and out of these stages, I don't know what in the world they are.  Is she spitting because she is a gross kid who has totally lost it and gone of the deep end into a unrescuable pit of unruliness.  Or, is she spitting because its a new skill she learned, and she likes looking at the bubbles it makes, and loves the sound it makes, and sees her daddy spitting time to time.  I want a handbook.  I really do.  I want a specific book of how to's guidelines from the Lord himself in regards to my first born.  I want direction here people.  But you know what?  I think there might be a book sorta like that.  And I think this is what it says:

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and DO NOT HINDER THEM, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

DO NOT HINDER THEM.  This verse is in relation to Jesus's reaction to his disciples when they rebuked the people who were bringing children to him for prayer.  He said DO NOT HINDER THEM.  But I would guess, if Jesus was with me in the flesh right now, he'd grab me by the face, stare me in the eyes, and sternly speak those words, "Do, not, hinder her."  The definition of hinder I found online fits this well.  Hinder: create difficulties for (someone or something), resulting in delay or obstruction.  I do.  I hinder her.  I do not say "let her come".  I say "come when I command you".  I obstruct her, I cause delays for her, I create difficulties for her.

You know.  My first born is the way she is partly because of genetics, but the hugest factor that goes into get personality at this point in life, is birth order, and my reaction to that.

Its a pretty daunting task to be a first born myself, trying to raise a first born.  Oh if we could all be second borns, life would be much simpler for sure.  First borns have a natural fear of mistakes and a desire to do everything right.  This makes for a lousy parent I think.  I do nothing but magnify the struggles she has, because they are my struggles too.

My second born has it much easier for sure.  I have though, more recently, become keenly aware that although my second born does have a very attractive personality, there is a hidden ugliness in it.  Already, at 2 years old, she is becoming a people pleaser.  She loves being obedient because it gets her praise and positive attention.  She loves being friendly, for the same reasons.  And really, its developed out of survival as the second kid: she had to find a way to get attention somehow.  She figured it out for sure.  She's the way she is out of necessity.

So please, self, have grace with both of your children.  Please recognize that both personality types have blessings and curses.  Please don't fall in with the rest of the world and favor one of your kid's personality types over the other based on what 'feels good' and makes you 'look good.'  Yes, your second born makes you look like you are succeeding, and your first born makes you look like you are failing.  But please remember, God gave you life to make you holy, and chances are, he gave your first born a greater purpose in your life because of that fact alone: she refines you more.  God gave you children to refine you, let him fulfill that purpose in you.  It is not her fault.  She is 3.  She has not control over who she is becoming.  She is victim to genetics and birth order just like the rest of us.  She is wonderful, others will see her light shine someday if you let them.  Please have grace with her, please do not hinder her.

After all, you've learned first hand, birth order's a &*%$#!!!!

Taking a Sister Wife.

So, in all of my discussions with my man over parenthood, he frequently asks me the question: "Is there anything I can be doing on my end to make things easier or more enjoyable for you to stay at home with the girls?"  I've never had an answer before, so always replied "Nope.", but I think I may have now found a solution.

Just the other day my man asked the question again, but this time I replied "Hmmmm, I'll think about it."  A few days later the answer finally dawned on me: A SISTER WIFE!!!!  I followed up with my hubby to tell him I had thought long and hard about his question, and had finally come up with an answer.  Our conversation went a little like this:

"Babe, I have an answer for what you could do to help me enjoy my job as a SAHM more."

"Oh ya, what's that?"

"You could take a second wife.  You could get me a sister wife."

His eyes lit up as he got that 'I love my crazy wife!' look in his eyes, and he replied:
"Honey, I can't handle the one wife I already have, I could never handle two."

My reply:
"Ya, I don't really want to share you anyways."

I knew of course he'd shoot my idea down.  But I really do think it would be a great idea, except for the whole having to share a husband part.

My friend from college came with her two little boys the other weekend to stay for a few nights.  It was wonderful.  It was really fun to catch up with her, have great heart talks, and watch our kiddos play together.  But, I also LOVED having an extra set of eyes and hands around.  It was very fun and life giving to me to be able to live life like that with a dear friend of mine for a few days.  Even though we of course each had our own kids, it felt like a team effort on 'raising' them for a few days.  We made meals together, did dishes together, watched eachothers kiddos for eachother, both shared in the picking up of toys, worked together to make sure the kids were all playing nicely; it really lightened the load for a few days.

It was a few days after she left that I had my revelation.  I need a sister wife.  Now, I don't really want to share my man with anyone, but I would love to share my job as a SAHM with another woman.  I'd love to have someone here to help pick up the house everyday, to take turns watching the kiddos, to do laundry together, dishes and cooking, to talk with when I wanted to, but to also have the freedom to just zone out and live separate for a time too.  I'd love to have another women here that feels just as much as the family as the rest of us.  I'd love to be able to divide an conquer household and childcare tasks.  I'd love the fellowship that would provide, and I'd love the freedom that would provide.

Now, since we are not fundamentalist mormons, my dreams will never come to fruition.  But its nice to daydream a bit.  For us, polygamy isn't right, but I've got to admit: those women sure do have a few things figured out.

[Yes, I have been watching Sister Wives.  Can you tell?]

To Submit, or Not Submit?

Today marks the beginning of another year in my husbands life.  Today he turns 32, old man, I know.  I am so so thankful for him, who God created him to be, and the man he is to our family.  We couldn't ask for a better man of the house: a better husband, a better daddy.  He is who God created him to be, he is who God made for me as a spouse, and who my girls need as a daddy with all of their joys and quirks.

He's got his quirks himself, but heck, we all do.  When we were dating I thought all of his quirks were so adorable, loved them all, loved how different we were, thought we just just complimented each other perfectly.  Then, of course, when we got married those quirks started chipping pieces off of me, and I didn't like them so much anymore.  Through the years, and in this season of life, I have the joy of saying that although those quirks aren't quite as adorable as they once were, they are not so painful as they were in the most recent of years.  We have the privilege of being in a stage of marriage right now where our quirks are actually a source of humor in our marriage.  When I have a moment of being SO me, we can just laugh about it now.  The same goes for him.  I am constantly humored by the strength of his personality, and constantly thankful that he is SO SO different than I am.  We could be your classic 'opposites attract' story.  Its been rough at times, but seems to be working just great for us now.  I think the key in it all, is that we have gotten to a place where we have accepted each other for who we truly are, the creations God made us, our unique beings, and with that comes a ton of joy.

I think sometimes as Christian women, we feel that when the bible speaks of us submitting to our husbands, we picture a husband who is:  aggressive, a forceful leader, decisive, opinionated, a visionary, a planner, competitive, a fighter.....your basic Type A, lion personality.  But what if this is not the man God created your husband as.  What if your husband is: gentle, a servant leader, a servant to others, relaxed, funny, kind, playful, jolly, trusting, a peacemaker, very easy going.  Does this mean you don't submit to him?

I had a few years of marriage where I really struggled with the answer to this question.  I grew up in a family with a very domineering father.  I was used to living with a very strong male.  Although marrying my hubby was a breath of fresh air for sure, it wasn't what I expected, and I didn't know what to do with myself in that.

I had thought submission in marriage would be a piece of cake.  It was very easy to submit to my father, it would of course be simple to submit to a husband.  Before we were married, I knew the ins and outs of my future husbands character, but I think I thought marriage would somehow make him this strong leader, a captain of our ship, directing us across the world.  This hasn't been my experience.  My husband would much rather serve than be served, everyone, including me.  My husband, when met with the stresses of life, does not have a 10 page backup plan, he has an unending faith in the Lord, and his ever familiar mantra of 'God will provide, God will take care of us, God has a plan'.  My husband doesn't give me a to do list at the beginning of every day to guide me through my every moment, but starts each day of work with hugs, kisses, and a "have a fun day!"  In arguments, he doesn't rise to the top, he doesn't demand to be right, he calmly tries to be rational as we work out a solution together.  I know this sounds ideal, but it has actually been quite difficult in the past.

I've discovered that I really want a strong leader.  I've discovered that I can look down on a peaceful leader.  I spent years of our marriage encouraging my husband into stronger leadership, thinking that once he was a strong domineering leader, life would be as it should be.

I was so wrong!  My perspective finally changed when the Lord slapped me across the face with this one:

"I asked you submit to the husband I gave you, not the husband you thought I'd give you.  Submit to your husband by accepting who I made him to be.  He is the husband you need."

Oh crap.  What had I been doing?  Yes, sometimes a strong leader is easier to respect and submit to, but God wants me to submit to all leaders, not just strong leaders.  He didn't make my husband with a lion personality, but with a golden retriever personality.  As I was able to reflect on my family life growing up, with this new perspective I quickly realized the reason I was so able to submit to my father was because he was overpowering.  He had a quick temper, expected perfection, and was constantly shaming me as a way of motivation.

Now I found myself in the complete opposite situation with my own spouse, and finally felt relief instead of confusion.  I still want my man to make all of the decisions for us, but this is because I struggle to trust myself, but ultimately I struggle to trust God.  It seems easier to me to have a man tell me what to do, because then I don't have to exercise my spiritual muscles.  I don't have to pray, or wait, or discern, I can just follow blindly.  It also seems easier because then if a mistake is made I have someone to blame it on.  Ugly.  I know.

I had to die all over again.  I had to look at what I expected, and look at the reality of my life.  I had to see that those two things didn't line up.  And I had to accept this.  I had to accept my guy for who he was, not who I thought he should be.  And in this, of course, came a ton of freedom.

God has given me a husband who desires equality in decision making, equality in child rearing, equality in home management, equality in spiritual leadership of our children, equality in life planning, he desires a true partnership.  I am called to submit to that.  There are those times where I have the "You're going to have to make this one on your own, I'm at a loss" statements come out of my mouth, but for the most part, I have learned to be a very active role in this family and leadership.

I have had the joy and blessing of having many many friends find themselves in this same situation as me.  Many of us agree, this place we find ourselves has a definite benefit, amidst its struggles:  having to be totally reliant on the Lord.  I'm sure its a 'grass is greener' sort of thing, but I have never had to struggle through depending on my husband over the Lord, and this is a true blessing to me.  God knows how I am wired, he made me.  He knows what I struggle with, he peers into my heart continually.  And he knew, that this man of mine would be good for me, because he'd always be pointing me to the Lord in everything, in action and in word.

After all, the purpose of marriage is not to make us happy; but to make us holy.

Luckily, now that I've accepted my husband for who he is, I get to experience both.

Spanking. Why We Called It Quits.

I'm learning I blog to process life.  Pretty pathetic I know.  I have no real humans to do this with.  I'll take what I can get right now to keep my sanity I guess.

When we became parents, we jumped on the spanking bus, because we knew no other way.  My man and I were both spanked as children, and every single one of our friends spank, we didn't know anything different.  We spanked our oldest daughter until she was about 3, and then enough was enough.  Our brains finally kicked in high gear, and we started thinking: WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!?!  It was making our entire family miserable.  Our oldest, miss independent, would escalate every single time we would spank.  It was pretty miserable to say the least.

It would go something like this:
She would be disobedient, she would receive a spank.
She would get angry that she received a spank, and spit at us, so she would receive two spanks.
She would get angry that she received another spank, yell at us, so she would receive three spanks.
She would get angry that she received yet another spank, hit us, so she would receive four spanks.

This could go on and on, spank after spank, and it would never deescalate.  She would be crying, screaming, and loosing total control, as I was spanking her to encourage her to get self control.  I would feel nauseous inside as I watched my daughters heart being beat down by me myself.  And our little baby monster would be terrified as she heard her big sis screaming at the hand of her mother.  DID NOT WORK.  We tried it for 2 years of her life, and 95% of the time got the same result.

This is where I am usually met with comments of "You were not consistent enough," to which I reply "60 spanks in one day feels a little like abuse to me!"

Finally at age 3, when our brains kicked in, we started looking down at the root of why we were doing this.  We finally came to the conclusion that unless we were feeling very personally convicted by the Lord himself to be doing this to our daughter, we had better stop.  I think I actually said "Husband, I will do this if you want me to, but you better make sure you and the Lord are 100% on the same page on this, or I'm going to stop."  We did some soul searching, Bible searching, and stopped immediately.

What followed, still amazes me to this day.  We realized a hard hard truth about the path the Lord was leading us down in disciplining our kids.  IT IS SO MUCH HARDER NOT TO SPANK!!!!!!!!

Let me clarify.  Our hearts and our souls as a family have been restored, given so much life back, and so much freedom and joy.  There is no more shame, no more guilt, no more hesitation.  But:  There is ALOT more work!!!!!!

We learned that kids are very motivated by the fear of pain.  Something that sickens our souls, but true nonetheless.  When you remove that fear of pain, it at least doubles if not triples your work as a parent in disciplining your kids.  If a kid thinks they are going to be physically hurt, they will many times opt out of said behaviour to escape the physical pain of something such as a spank.  If the fear of pain is not there, it makes those heart conversations with your children about 10 times longer.

With spanking we were taught:
1) Ask your child to do something one time.
2) If they do not do what you ask, they are being disobedient.
3) If they break a rule they know to be true, they are being disobedient.
4) Bring them to you, and in a gentle voice say "you were disobedient, I have to give you a spank now."
5) Spank your child, preferably with an object shaped like a rod, or your hand.
6) Tell your child again "I gave you a spank because you were being disobedient"
7) Ask them to apologize to you.
8) Tell them you forgive them.  Quote a scripture, using some biblical reference to show them that the Bible says what they did is wrong.  Pray with them.
9) Hugs and kisses, and all done.
If the first spank does not automatically bring their heart back into submission, continue with steps 4-9 until they are being obedient and submissive.

Now disciplining our children goes something like this:
Big sis, why do you think baby sis is crying?
Because I hit her.
Does she look happy or sad that you hit her?
She looks sad.
Do you like it when your sissy feels sad.
Yes.  (said with a smile)
Do you like to feel sad?
Nope.
Do you like it when baby sissy makes you feel sad?
Nope.
Do you think baby sissy likes it when you make her feel sad?
No.
Then shouldn't we always try to keep ourselves from doing things that make her sad.
Yes.
That would be very kind wouldn't it?
Yes.
Should we try to do something right now to make her happy?
Yes.
What should we do?
Give her a gentle hug and a gentle kiss.
Yes, that would be nice.  Should we also say we are sorry?
Yes.
Why did you hit your baby sissy?
Because she had my dinosaur.
Did she take it from you?
No.
So you just saw her playing with it, wanted it, and hit her?
Yep.
And now do you have the dinosaur?
No.
So did your plan work?
Nope.
What do you think a better way to get your dinosaur would be?
I could ask her if I could have a turn.
Yes, you could gently ask her for a turn, or you could gently tell her that when she is done with it you would like to play with it.
OK.
It is nice to let our sister and friends enjoy toys they are playing with.  And it is good to practice being patient while we watch them enjoy their toys.  We know we will get a turn later, don't we?
Yes.
So next time baby sissy has your toy what are you going to do?
I am going to ask her for a turn.
What happens if she says no?
Then I will take it from her.
No.  If she says no, would it be kind then to just take it from her?
No.
What would be more kind?
To wait til she is done.

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON!!!!!!!!!!!!  These conversations can last SO long!!!!  It is very hard to help a 4 year old search her heart and understand their motivations behind things.  It is very time consuming to have these conversations with her.  But it is SO rewarding!!!  We have seen such fruit come out of these conversations with her, and her building a true understanding of right and wrong, and choosing to do right out of love of virtue, not fear of punishment.

We will continue on this path of discipline, until the Lord leads otherwise.  Maybe someday it will be back to spanking.  But for now, we are trying to be obedient in what He has asked of us to do with these two precious girls today.  Our little monster might be a different story, but as of yet, her compliant heart, and overhearing many lessons learned with sissy, have made directing her an ease.

Please don't read any of this as us disagreeing with spanking in general.  We believe that some families are called to it, but ours is not right now.  We believe that is an issue for every family to wrestle through themselves.  Our prayer is that every family takes the time to wrestle through the issue of spanking or not, and follows through on the leading in their hearts, not of those around them.

Remember: The goal of parenting is not to produce perfect kids.  The goal of parenting should be, in everything show your kids the unending LOVE of Christ, and pray that they respond to Him back with love.  I want my kids to be so overwhelmed by Jesus' love that they choose on their own to fall in love with Him.  Yes, having obedient kids will make your life easier, and will make people think more highly of you as a parent.  BUT: that is not the self centered approach God wants us to have in parenting.  In everything He wants us to die to ourselves.  Maybe that means spanking, maybe that means not spanking.  For me, not spanking has been a daily battle of dying to myself.

I, am not perfect in this at all.  The inspiration for this post actually came from a horrific mommy moment not 30 minutes ago when I was trying to get my 4 year old to take a nap.  I could feel my blood pressure rising as I was as gently trying to coax her into bed, I was exhausted, and hadn't had lunch.  After 15 minutes I felt myself snap, and said the words I dread the most:  "If you don't get into your bed and stay there I am going to give you a spank!"  Ugh.  She got that sad sad scared look on her face and I could tell her heart had switched.  She got into bed, and laid they quietly weeping, and I knew for sure: she's in bed now because she is scared.  Not because she respected me in that moment and got into bed, not because she chose to be obedient in that moment, not out of a true desire to listen to her mommy, but because she was scared.  I still feel nauseous.  And the worst part is:  I will have to follow through.  I pray for our hearts that she stays in bed.  I do not want to have to spank that precious daughter of mine.  But if she gets out, I will follow through and spank her, and then I will have to ask the Lord's forgiveness, and my husbands.  Although I will not ask for her forgiveness for the spank, I will ask her forgiveness for the way I talked to her, and for loosing my self control.  Then I will try to keep the self control for myself, that I ask her to keep 100 times a day.  Ugh.  Ugly mommy fail.

Is some part of me shinier?  Even a millimeter?  Please say it is.  I need a rope to hold onto in all of this.

Eventual Surrender.

My refinement through motherhood really started in me as soon as it could: when morning sickness began with my first pregnancy.  I had had these visions of what pregnancy was going to be like: I would live my normal life to its entirety, be so cute, and have this little growing bump of a baby that the whole world would oooooo and ahhhhh at.

Nope.  Here I was 6 weeks in, wanting to fall over from nausea and exhaustion, still working 40 hours a week, and trying to manage a home, feeling overwhelmed and helpless.  At the time, my job was in housekeeping, and although I loved my job (I'm weird I know), I could soon tell my job didn't love me anymore.  I was calling in sick more often than not.  The sights and smells of my occupation had me dry heaving every 15 minutes, not good.  I also felt so tired and weak, that even standing up from scrubbing a toilet would exhaust me and leave me seeing stars as my new found blood supply tried to make its way back to my brain.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.  I was supposed to wake up every freaking morning full of energy, put my makeup on, go to work with my friends, come home and go on a run, have a deliciously healthy dinner, and have a productive evening at home with my husband.

The make up stopped at 6 weeks.
The running stopped at 6 weeks.
The cooking stopped at 6 weeks.
The productive evenings stopped at 6 weeks.
And I was learning quickly that the job was going to stop soon.

Finally at 12 weeks my doctor advised that I quit working.  This was so painful.  For one, I really liked my job, found it fulfilling, and loved the people I worked with.  But I also knew that me quitting would not be received well by management, and this terrified me.

I had to die to myself again, right then and there.  I could see now that my visions of working full time up to delivery were not panning out, and I had to sacrifice for the little bundle growing in my tummy, and quit my job.

Although it wasn't received well by my employer, it was received SO well by my pregnant body. I was so thankful that my doctor and husband had pushed me in this direction, and that I had been obedient enough to follow through.  Getting to sleep when I needed to, eat when I needed to, and lay down with my feet up when I needed to got me back to feeling pretty normal.  Although the running, job, and productive evening never returned that pregnancy, the make up and the cooking did, and I was elated.

Now here I am, four years later, finding myself in the same predicament.  This time though it isn't a lovely 40 hour a week job, its a strenuous 90 hour a week job, and this one I can't walk away from.  I cannot simply quit being a stay at home mom for my two lovely little ladies, this one I have to endure to completion.

My pregnancy with baby number 2 was not pleasant, but my oldest was just a year old, still taking two naps a day, and easily entertained by movies or independent playtime.  Although the makeup and the running disappeared again with pregnancy number 2, I was still doing my 'job' as a mommy well, and succeeding as a wife.  The adjustment from 1 to 2 was not that difficult.

I am learning that going from 2 to 3 is already a little more challenging than I was expecting.

Here I am pregnant with the little man, with two little girls running around, and no escape.  With two kids already, I am on duty every hour they are awake, never able to rest when I need to.  Number 2, the little monster, is not easily entertained by movies or independent playtime, and only takes 1 nap a day.  She is our wild child, and in need of constant supervision, unless of course I desire to see her jump off of a table every hour.  Things are a little different this time around, and I am realizing that my refinement through this little guy is starting to come on full force already.

In all my exhaustion, he is actually the one that keeps me from naps myself.  I don't know why, but with pregnancy this time, naps do more harm then good.  I really struggled with morning sickness, pretty much all day, the first half of this pregnancy.  PRAISE THE LORD, it is gone for the most part, except when I nap.  When I nap, my morning sickness is there to greet me upon waking, and stays with me the rest of the day.  I have learned quickly to not try naps as a solution to my never ending sleepiness.  So instead my husband and my kids get this ugly version of their wife and mother to live with.  Sorry guys!

Life was so simple before marriage and kids.  I dealt with extreme loneliness, and wouldn't dare wish to return there.  But it was simple.  I was the master of my own destiny, the creator of my diet, the ruler of my sleep schedule, the 'messer' of my house.  Now there are 4 other rocks in this river of life with me, eroding me to nothingness.

Take sleep for example:
Its my husband that keeps me awake at night.
Its my kiddos that wake me up early in the morning.
Its my baby boy still in my tummy that make it impossible to get the relief I need through naps.

Is it worth it?  I hear it is.  Right now that seems like a distant revelation of hindsight I will have at some point in the far off future, but right now I am in it too much.  Right now life happens in the moment, moment by moment.  Some of those moments bring joyful tears to my eyes, but alot of them these days bring tears of sorrow.  It is a sad sad thing to be reminded daily of how trapped I feel, not by those around me, but by my own selfishness.

I am trapping myself by my unwillingness to surrender to this stage of life I am in.  But in the tiredness of my mind, nothing is rational, and I am still choosing to believe there is some hope in saving part of myself.  I'm afraid to loose all of me, the creation that God made me, into the abyss of motherhood.  So right now I hold on, I hope one day to surrender, but today is not the day.  And I think that is just fine.

I am a work in progress.  When I expect perfection or rush myself it is not genuine, and is therefore incomplete surrender.  I desire to not be lukewarm, but either hot or cold.  I have confidence, that through the heat of refinement, I will be hot enough to surrender eventually.  But I am being patient now, because He is too.  He desires nothing less than my all, and I cannot give that right now.

I will not cheapen what He did for me through pretending.

Insomnia.

Last week, my wonderful mother kept my kiddos at her place for 5 days so the man and I could catch up on rest and projects.  IT WAS WONDERFUL!!!  It fully reminded me of those days spent in Montana as a stay at home wife.  Endless freedom, and endless opportunities for rest.  I.  Felt.  Healthy.

Now a little over a week back into motherhood, I feel like I am wasting away again.  My body clock has always been one that has a hard time falling asleep at night, but absolutely loves to sleep in.  Although I was still going to bed around 9 pm the nights my kids were gone, I was able to sleep until I woke up naturally in the mornings: usually somewhere around 9.  I had totally forgotten what it felt like to wake up feeling rested.  It was wonderful.  I learned last week, lesson numero uno being that pregnant me requires 12 good hours of sleep to wake up feeling rested.

The day after my kids returned home, I woke up feeling SO refreshed, with all of these hopes that the energy would last.  FAIL.  A week into it I am totally exhausted again.  My body is screaming at me moment by moment to pa-lease rest, but the two little girls running around this zombie of a mommy make that an impossibility.  I am so tired.  Like all I want to do is cry tired.  Like I feel dizzy and nauseous and want to fall over tired.

There are really two problems contributing to this, and they feed off of each other like two viscous beasts.
1) My kids wake up with the sun.  No, that doesn't mean we get them out of bed, but the noise from their rooms starts booming through the house every morning before 6:30 am.
2) After 7 years of marriage, I am now unable to sleep alone in my bed.  This means I am reliant on my husbands sleep schedule at night time to fall asleep.

Take last night for instance:
I went to bed as soon as my kiddos were in their rooms for the night, around 8 pm.  This started a 2 hour process of me trying to fall asleep.  I'm pregnant of course, so falling asleep can be tricky.  There is the uncomfortableness of my body, and the fact that if I don't eat every 3 hours or so I become STARVING!  So this was the problem last night.  I ate dinner around 5, which meant by the time I was going to bed I was starting to feel hunger pains.  I was so exhausted I thought the tiredness would overcome the hunger pains, but I was so wrong.  At 9, after an hour of trying to sleep, I had to go have a snack.  I then tried to fall asleep for the next hour, to no avail, and finally at a little after 10 had to go beg my husband to please come to bed so I could sleep.  So selfish.  I know.  He wasn't tired yet, so was reading next to me with a headlamp, and since I could hear EVERYTHING, we of course started chatting.  This turned into a freaking debate over the fact that his family hasn't spoken to us in almost 2 years (because of me, of course) and whether or not this means they dislike me.  DUH DEAR, they clearly hate me.  Anyways, after that 2 hour debate, I was of course hungry again, had another snack, and spent the next 1 hour trying to calm down my adrenaline rush, and finally fell asleep around 1 am.

My body, I'm sure, would have let me sleep in until 11 this morning, but no, the kiddos once again started making their racket before 7 am.  So here I am: tired, nauseous, dizzy, and just freaking wanting to cry my eyes out: all from lack of sleep.

Just trying to die to myself once again.  I chose to be a wife, I should accept my husband and his sleep schedule for what it is.  I chose to be a mom, I should accept my kids and their sleep schedules for what they are.  I chose to become pregnant, I should accept the fact that this little man is already causing me to sacrifice.  And I SHOULD be ok with that.

But I am not, I am tired.  Operating on 6 hours of sleep, when I really need 12.  I feel trapped.  There is no way out.

Its days like today where all I can do is rely on the strength of Another to make it through.  Moment by moment I have to die to myself, moment by moment I have to work on my own kindness and self control, moment by moment I have to choose thankfulness.  Moment by moment I have to fight my flesh.  And moment by moment I have to choose to be patient.

I will one day again feel rested.  I estimate that wont be for at least 10 years, but one day I will have rest when I need it.  And I will be a better me because of it.  For now I have to live under the assumption that I am SUPPOSED to be feeling this way right now, and I have to look for the WHY of feeling this way right now.  Why am I supposed to feel this way right now?  And what am I supposed to be learning through it?

Another chapter in the death of my selfishness underway.  Ugh.

Until We Multiplied...

I am in love with wife hood.

During our first year of marriage, the man and I got the privilege of living in beautiful Missioula, MT. We moved there with no jobs, no plans, and all the freedom one could dream up.

My husband ended up working the year at a restoration company.  I spent the first 6 months working my lifelong 'dream job' at a log home company as a draftsman, and the second 6 months working my DREAM JOB as a stay at home wife.

That job was FREAKING AMAZING!!!  I woke up with the man in the morning, did a 'devo' together, went on a walk while he had his alone time, came home, kissed him off to work, and WENT BACK TO BED!  I would then wake up at my leisure, eat a meandering breakfast, take all the time in the world to primp myself, and then set out upon my day.  The days consisted of housework, grocery shopping, bill paying, errand running, laundry doing, various other wifely duties, and LOTS of reading.  I did literally EVERYTHING required to be an adult, besides go to work, and the man did literally NOTHING required to be and adult, besides go to work.  It was a dream!  The man would then come home to a perfect house, with a dolled up wife, and a gourmet dinner ready every night at 5 pm.  We would go about the rest of our evening doing whatever the heck we wanted: drives, movies, shopping, walks, dates, dinner out, fun projects, daydreaming about the future (which of course included kids), and a continued list of simply blissful activities.

I was so relaxed, so beautiful, so healthy, so passionate, SO full of life!  Through my hours spent reading daily I was learning a ton, and growing close to my Maker, and just so in love with my man!

It was a blissful season.  But it came to an end.

After our first year of marriage we moved out to 'the ranch', and things slowly started to slap me in the face.  I now worked 40 hours a week, AND was trying to do literally everything required to be an adult, PLUS got to work, and the man was doing literally nothing required to be an adult beside go to work.  I was EXHAUSTED, and he was lonely.  He would come home from work to an empty house, followed home by a tired wife, and then spend the evening alone while I fulfilled what I saw as my duties as a wife.

Really, it was about perfection and control, because at that point, I hated that I was doing everything and earn a living.  I wanted things a certain way, and didn't trust that he would do them 'good enough' (sorry my love!).  And, what would people think if they new my husband helped around the house, I would be cast out for sure.  So to uphold some crazy image, I worked my buns off for a year, tired, and overwhelmed.

FINALLY, I listened to the man, who the entire time had been begging to help me, and gave up some control, some image, and with it some of the load.  It turns out he is a better cook than me, and loves it alot more than I do.  It turns out that he loves folding laundry, especially the cute little girl clothes.  And it turns out he is immaculate in his housekeeping, and he loves the endorphins just as much as I do from making things look nice.

Lesson one was learned.  When I take on more than I was made to take on, I will slowly wither away.  My husband will be miserable, he won't look at me as a superwoman, he will look at me as a crazy woman.  He will feel disrespected that I am ignoring his 'wishes' to help, and I will feel run over in the process.

None of this lined up with what I thought a 'good' wife was.  And so I had to die.  For the first time.  And I did.  I held a service for 'Superwife Sarah: one who does ALL and finds joy in doing ALL!' in my heart, and moved on to 'Wife Sarah: one who surrenders to husbands wishes, and is therefore a little more sane.'

I hated that she died.  Oh I hated it.  But I learned to think the new person was pretty great.  Until we multiplied that is.....

No, it is not sad. I am.

I am selfish.  By far the most selfish person I know.

This is my vice with motherhood.

It rubs up against me in the total wrong way.  Like pulling a razor up a prickly mommy leg, each moment cutting off a hair at its root.  Just knocking them down folks.  Motherhood does this to me.  It cuts me down, at my root.  It erases me.  There is nothing left.

But.  It's doing its job.  It is refining me.  Really you could say its rubbing me the 'right way'.  But I hate the work its doing.  I find no joy in literally never getting to do WHAT I WANT TO DO!!!!  (I sound like my toddlers now.)  And ALWAYS having to do what my 'people' need from me.

Yes dear, I will find your purple monkey with the bananna on its head instead of brushing ALL of my teeth.  Only half a clean mouth is just fine.

Yes dear, I will wrap your baby in a blanket for the 100th time today instead of eating my lunch.  If I pass out you can just use me as a jungle gym.

Yes dear, I will wipe your poopy butt when the smell of it makes me dry heave over the toilet.  (while pregnant)

Yes dear, I will help you put on a dry shirt instead of going to the restroom.  Constipation is just fine!  Feels lovely!

See.  Selfish.

I think the tricky thing with motherhood is that I SHOULD be able to do these things:  I should be able to brush all of my teeth at one time,  I should be able to eat my lunch when I am starving, I should not have to do things that make me vomit, and I should get to poop when I want to!!!!!!!!  These things are basic needs folks.  I'm not asking for elaborate vacations, or a brand new wardrobe.  (Although, to be honest, I wouldn't refused if someone offered.)  I just want to still be a person too!!!

Its the little things, the tiny things, that wear at me, moment by moment, that tear away at me, until I get to the cusp of a new stage of refinement, and I realize that if I'm torn away at anymore, there will be nothing left.  I will be a ghost of myself.  I will be a new creation.

I've expressed my dislike of stay at home motherhood with a few friends and relatives, and have frequently been met with looks and statements of "Oh thats sad!"

To which I want to reply.  NO IT IS NOT!  It is not sad that motherhood does this to me.  I AM sad that motherhood does this to me, but IT IS NOT SAD that motherhood does this to me.  IT IS GOOD THAT MOTHERHOOD DOES THIS TO ME!!!!!!  Everyone, every single person has something in their life that is used for their refinement.  It could be a boss, or a spouse, or a house, or a job, or health problems, or family problems, or even a friendship.  But, there is something in every single one of us that chips away at us.  If not, then you are Jesus Christ himself.  Congratulations!.....you have arrived.

Motherhood does this to me BECAUSE IT IS SUPPOSED TO people!  I have a perfect boss, an ideal marriage (that we have worked our butts off for 7 years to achieve), a huge house, a healthy body, a family that I love (they don't always love me, haha!), and great friends.  Since I am not Jesus Christ himself, by default, I MUST have something in my life that digs at me.  And I do, its my job.  Its being a stay at home mom.  It digs at me.  Daily.

So no.  It is not sad.  It is happy that I hate being a stay at home mom.  It is doing its work on me, and in me, and for me.

It is good.

It is reminding me daily of how selfish I am.  It is giving me the gift of looking into my ugly heart every single day and seeing the filth there.  It is showing me daily my imperfections, my brokeness, and my need for someone to rely on.  It is never fooling me into thinking I am perfect.  It is never fooling me into thinking I've got it all together.  And that is SO SO uncomfortable, but that is safe.  It is a safe place to live, on the edge of yourself looking into all that you are, and having to awknowledge daily: I need help.

I need help.  Hello.  Anyone.  Are you out there?  A little help here would be nice...

This Is Why.

There are two things I know for sure about myself, only because I have been told them weekly throughout my entire life.

1)  I am a good writer.

2)  I am an open book.

I am also a mother.  How could I not have a blog about motherhood.  A real, honest to goodness look at motherhood for me.

I am also realizing that although I do love being a mother, I do not enjoy being a stay at home mom.  Because of many circumstances in my life, and personality flaws in myself, there is no workable solution for my occupational diress.  Therefore, I force myself out of bed, every single morning, and work, nonstop, until I fall into bed at night, and then upon opening my eyes, it starts all over again.  Torture, I know.

I wish I was different.  I wish I was like all of the mothers I see around me, so fufilled and almost giddy to be stay at home moms.  But, I have tried and failed.  This is not me.  I pray that some day it might be.  But today, on July 12, 2012, it is not me.  Nor has it been me for the 4 years preceding this date.  I hate being a stay at home mom.  It feels like an uphill battle most days.

And this is why.....